Saturday, October 08, 2005

Helping terrorists celebrate Ramadan

A precision guided humour assignment

How can we help the terrorists celebrate Ramadan?
1. Invite them to a pig-burning ceremony. You know how they've been about pigs lately. Tell them that we're going to ease their troubled minds by burning 'em all. Just don't tell them that they're the pigs we're going to burn.
2. Offer them the 72-virgin special. Then deliver with the largest caliber instrument you can utilize.

And remember, Liberal, Kansas, needs our help.

UPDATE: Len at Rite Turn Only has incorporated this into the latest Big Blue Bash. Thanks, RTO.

Friday, October 07, 2005

Assignments complete

The Alliance's most recent Precision Guided Humour Assignments are turned in.
Feast your eyes upon Counter-Protest Equipment.


I've been fisked. (Warning: Language issues)
I'll just offer this comment set: What are the worshipers of evolution so afraid of? If their theory is so overwhelmingly strong, why are they afraid to present a theory that could possibly compete with theirs? Are they afraid that a competing theory just might be more valid? Besides that... scientific theory is never static. If it were, we'd still be handwriting this commentary. Why are they stuck on this issue? (Yes, you may feel free to refer to Gen. Honore's wonderful comment.)
And remember, Liberal, Kansas, needs our help.

Re-grooving redux

After a hiatus, it's time to re-groove again.
James Durney. The Chittenango, N.Y., man sent an imposter to take a paternity test. He got caught. "He didn't feel like paying child support, is what the problem was," state police Investigator Mark Nell said. Re-groove. Immediately.
Al Gore. The former Vice President for Attending Funerals while Bill Clinton Was Being Serviced in the White House, Inflating His Credentials, and Fundraising at Buddhist Temples says our democracy "is in grave danger." (see Angry for more details). He claims it's because of the "strangeness" of our public discourse. Yeah, Al, it's strange, because you just don't get it that what few ideas your side has have been discredited and are being ignored. You can't stand being ignored. To the re-grooveyard with you. While you're at it, take Maurice Strong with you, since the Godfather of Environmental Totalitarianism gave you $100,000.
Joe Volpe. Canada's Immigration Minister gave convicted felon and domestic doyenne Martha Stewart a special permit to enter the country to film a segment of her TV show. What did it cost her, Joe? I know what it will cost you -- a trip to re-grooving.
Wow. That was hard work. Enough for this trip.
But remember: Liberal, Kansas, needs our help.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Liberal, Kansas needs our help

There's an American town that desperately -- repeat, desperately -- needs our help.
It's not a big town, so you won't hear about it in the MSM.
Liberal, Kansas, needs our help.
Specifically, it needs a new name.
"What Teddy Kennedy, Cindy Sheehan, Barbra Streisand and them folks have done to the good name of Liberal is just criminal," said one disgruntled resident. "The worst part is, we can't take back the name of Liberal.
"They have so fouled it with their antics that most of us just can't even say the name of our town. We just tell people we're from Bob Dole's hometown. Yeah, Arlen Specter's from here, too, but most people are going to connect him with Philadelphia, which is a somewhat disgusting thought, come to think of it."
So Liberal, Kansas, needs a new name.
Let's explore a few possibilities.
You could name it after Bob Dole... Bobtown or Dole City.
You could call it Border City, because it is on the border with Oklahoma.
So, come on, friends and readers, let's help the good people of the town that doesn't want to be called Liberal, Kansas, any more. Put your thinking caps on (make sure there's no tin foil in 'em first) and get to work. Leave your suggestions in the comments section and from there, we'll take a vote and offer our winning suggestion to the good folks out there.
Help Liberal find a new name.

Carnival of Satire 3

Mark A. Rayner, that wit of the North, has assembled another intriguingly witty entourage for the third Carnival of Satire this week.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

The Politicians' Catholic Church (version 2)

Sometimes you get an idea and blog it. It works out O.K. (see below), but you know you could do more and better with it. This is one of those cases. So, it's time to start again...

A schism is brewing within the Roman Catholic Church, one that threatens to remove a sizable number of its members.
Pope Benedict is considering a universal standard for denying the sacrament of the Eucharist (Communion, to you non-Catholics in the audience) to politicians whose actions stand in opposition to church teachings.
Should that come to pass, such prominent folks as U.S. Sens. Teddy Kennedy and John Kerry and Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin Jr. would find themselves receiving only a blessing and not a communion wafer at Mass.
This, of course, would be an affront that must not be allowed to happen.
So, the aforementioned politicians, along with many others in North America and Europe, are banding together to form the Politicians' Catholic Church.
"Who is some German guy in a dress to tell ME that I cannot receive Communion?" roared one of the driving forces behind the schism.
The new Politicians' Catholic Church promises to be less judgmental than its Roman counterpart.
"We don't believe in standards. If you say you're a Catholic, you're a Catholic. We will not judge you," said the Very Irrev. Jacques Strappe, a French priest who is expected to become the PCC's first pope. "You don't even have to go to Confession if you don't want to."
There were some concerns about staffing the many parishes that are expected to form once the new PCC (Politically Correct Church?) gets under way. But many clerics who are being defrocked from the Roman church for their parts in the massive North American sex scandal are expected to be recruited, sources said.
"We all have our weaknesses," the Very Irrev. Strappe said. "We must not let that stand in the way of our mission of making all of our politicians and their politically-correct followers feel good about themselves."
The Very Irrev. Strappe also said that the new church would seek space in the United Nations building in New York for its world headquarters.
"That's where the politicians are," he said.
He also said that some politicians, such as Kennedy and Martin, would be considered for bishoprics in the new church, if their political duties would not interfere.
"I'm sure the prime minister would be honored," said a spokesman in Martin's office. "But I think he may be too busy covering up all the crimes his fellow partisans have committed to devote the time to being a bishop that the job deserves."
"The senator probably would not have the time, but is deeply touched that he would be considered for such a prestigious position," a Kennedy bartender-aide said.
God could not be reached for comment, as He was busy tending to the thousands of people who weren't, as predicted, killed in New Orleans by Hurricane Katrina. However, a spokes-saint said that He was "not amused."

There. That's the ticket.

An advertisement for the Liberal Party of Canada

Hello. I'm Paul Martin, and I'm proud to be speaking to you tonight on behalf of the David Dingwall School of Financial Enhancement.
I've known David Dingwall for many years, and I can tell you that he is the master of money manipulation.
No one can make money disappear from the treasury quite the way he can.
But don't take my word for it.
Hear what others have to say about what they learned at the David Dingwall School of Financial Enhancement...
Hi. My name is Joe Volpe. I'm the minister in charge of exotic dancer importation. David Dingwall showed me the joys of $130 pizzas.
Bonjour. I am Pierre Pettigrew. I am ze minister of having foreign affairs. David taught me how to pay for a driver who doesn't drive during my foreign affairs.
This is Scott Brison. As a student of David Dingwall's techniques at the Ministry of Public Idleness, I have found his techniques an excellent mismanagement tool.
Jean Chretien here. I can tell you that if you attend David's school, you will become a master of fiscal chicanery.
See, you don't have to take just my word for it. Many prominent Canadians have followed David's techniques and have enriched themselves mightily.
So call now to our toll-free number, 1-800-THIEVES. Operators are standing by and can give you information in 37 different languages.
Liberal Party membership card required.

Now, the French version...

Bonjour. Je suis Paul Martin, et je suis fier de vous parler ce soir au nom de l'école de David Dingwall du perfectionnement financier.
J'ai connu David Dingwall pendant beaucoup d'années, et je peux vous dire qu'il est le maître de la manipulation d'argent. Personne ne peuvent faire l'argent disparaître à partir du trésor tout à fait la manière qu'il peut. Mais ne prenez pas mon mot pour lui. Entendez ce que d'autres doivent indiquer au sujet de ce qu'elles ont appris à l'école de David Dingwall du perfectionnement financier...
Bonjour. Mon nom est Joe Volpe. Je suis le ministre responsable d'importation exotique de danseur. David Dingwall m'a montré les joies de $130 pizzas.
Bonjour. Je suis Pierre Pettigrew. Je suis ministre de ze d'avoir des affaires étrangères. David m'a enseigné comment payer un conducteur qui ne conduit pas pendant mes affaires étrangères.
C'est Scott Brison. En tant qu'étudiant des techniques de David Dingwall au ministère de l'oisiveté publique, j'ai trouvé ses techniques un excellent outil de gestion mauvaise.
Jean Chretien ici. Je peux vous dire que si vous allez à l'école de David, vous deviendrez un maître de chicanerie fiscale.
Voyez, vous ne doivent pas prendre juste mon mot pour lui. Beaucoup de Canadiens en avant ont suivi les techniques de David et se sont enrichis puissamment. Appelez ainsi maintenant à notre nombre en service libre appel, 1-800-THIEVES. Les opérateurs se tiennent prêt et peuvent vous fournir l'information dans 37 langues différentes.
Carte d'adhésion de parti libéral requise.

(Translation by Babel Fish)

Drop the puck

Hockey season is at hand. Alleluia!
The Canadian Bloggers Hockey League is about to begin, too. (More on that later).
Anyway, here, after further review of the teams in preseason, is the official either orr prognostication for this, the return of the NHL...
Eastern Conference
Atlantic Division
1. Philadelphia - Too much for the rest of the division
2. New Jersey - Despite the losses on D, don't count a team with Martin Brodeur out
3. Pittsburgh - Built to outscore you; they'll do that often enough
4. N.Y. Islanders - Counting too much on Yashin, which is a risky proposition
5. N.Y. Rangers - Playing for the 2006 draft
Northeast Division
1. Ottawa - Heatley will give them the skilled grit they've lacked
2. Boston - Lots of o but no D
3. Montreal - Thank Theodore for this
4. Toronto - I just don't think so
5. Buffalo - In the wrong division
Southeast Division
1. Tampa Bay - In a romp
2. Atlanta - all bets are off if Kovalchuk doesn't sign soon
3. Florida - old legs may help them sneak into playoffs
4. Washington - Kolzig, Ovechkin keep 'em out of cellar
5. Carolina - little o, no d, questions in goal
Western Conference
Central Division
1. Detroit - Last year for this streak of division titles
2. Nashville - Kariya adds pop; they could sneak in
3. Columbus - Good off-season signings, underrated in goal
4. St. Louis - How the almost-mighty have fallen
5. Chicago - Another team I just don't see
Northwest Division
1. Vancouver - Built for regular season; Cloutier a Cup hope-killer
2. Calgary - Watch out for the Red Sea
3. Colorado - Still good, but not title good
4. Edmonton - Probably a playoff team
5. Minnesota - Like Buffalo, in wrong division
Pacific Division
1. San Jose - Clearly the class
2. Dallas - Turco is the difference
3. Anaheim - Possible playoff club, if Giguere gets hot
4. Los Angeles - Due for an end to injury jinx, but it's already struck Roenick
5. Phoenix - Better only if Gretzky plays instead of coaches
Drop the puck and let's go!

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

weirding out

Blogger has weirded out on me. Blocked for at least 5 hours. Apologies in order to all.

What to take to an anti-anti-war protest rally

A precision guided humour assignment
What do you really need in order to protest an anti-war protest? A counter-protest, as it were?
Well, the cracked research staff at either orr has come up with its necessities for attending such an event.
1. Nearly naked ladies. Dirty hippies are attracted to nearly naked ladies, although most nearly naked ladies are repulsed by dirty hippies. The nearly naked ladies will draw their attention. When the dirty hippies come over and attempt to hit on the nearly naked ladies, you will be thoroughly justified in stomping the daylights out of the dirty hippies.
2. Deodorant. Most dirty hippies are not just dirty, but dirty and smelly. If you offer a dirty, smelly hippie some deodorant, he/she will become extremely violent. Again, you will be thoroughly justified in stomping the daylights out of the dirty hippies.
3. Air freshener. When the smell of dirty hippies becomes unbearable.
4. Water pistols. You may have to give the dirty, smelly hippies an impromptu shower.
5. Signs. These are very useful in executing the stomping of dirty hippies as described in items 1 and 2. They can also offer a variety of pointed commentaries on the day's proceedings. If you are feeling especially generous, you can even give some signs to the dirty hippies. The most popular one is the middle finger extended, but others in demand by the dirty hippies include "Americans for Osama" and "Cindy wants a date with Saddam."
6. Jane Fonda movies. If it's cold, these can be very useful in starting a bonfire to keep warm. This, of course, is true only for videotapes. DVDs make useful undersized frisbees to offer you some exercise on the protest lines. After you're done, you can smash the DVDs while stomping the dirty hippies.
7. Newspapers. The Sunday New York Times is ideal (or the Saturday Toronto Star if you're north of the border). A lot of paper to help the bonfire and prevent their leftist rubbish from being read by a susceptible dirty hippie (those dirty hippies who can actually read, that is).
8. Earplugs. You may need them to avoid suffering damage from overly loud, screeching dirty hippies, especially if you have been provoked into stomping them.
9. Hamburgers and hot dogs. At a protest? you ask. Yes, indeed. Many dirty, smelly hippies are also militant vegetarians. When they see you enjoying a hamburger or a hot dog, they will become extremely aggressive, at which point you are thoroughly justified in stomping the daylights out of them.
10. Subway tokens. After you have stomped the dirty hippies, they will need a way home. Since many of them don't drive, you can show the true generosity of the anti-anti-war movement and let them save their money for the important things, like Cindy Sheehan statues and the like.
There you have it, friends... either orr's guide to the necessities of a successful anti-anti-war protest.

Fun and games

My ol' pal Jamie up in Alberta just got me with this one.
Ten questions.
O.K. Here come 10 answers.
1. If money were no object, what would you be doing with your life? Sitting with a laptop overlooking a beach (preferably on the Outer Banks) working on my book "You Told Me Go To Hell, So I Did".
2. Money is just that - an object, so why aren't you doing it? Money is, sad to say, also a necessity with two growing (too quickly) kids and tuition bills.
3. What's better: horses or cows? Cows. But there is only one sacred cow -- the one that produces my next steak.
4. What do you think the secret to happiness is? There is no secret.
5. When was the last time you had a dream that you either remember well or did not want to awake from? Dunno. Have to think too hard on that one.
6. When you were a little kid, what did you want to be when you grew up? A cement truck driver.
7. Complete this statement: Love is... More than most of us can handle, but we all try.
8. Can you tell a good story? (write one!) If you've read this blog, you'll judge if I can or not.
9. Can you remember your last daydream? Seeing my kids earn academic/athletic scholarships so Mom and Dad won't have to work until they're 80.
10. If you were to thank someone today, who would you thank? My wife, my mom, my dad (if he were still around), Barry Goldwater (ditto), Wm. F. Buckley Jr.
Do I tag anyone else?
No... instead, I offer all of you the opportunity to post comments here with your own answers.

Monday, October 03, 2005

The Politicians' Catholic Church

Could there be a new schism in the Catholic Church? Angry in the Great White North reports that the church is considering a universal set of rules for politicians who step out of line with church teachings:
Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin and Spanish Prime Minister Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero who legalized same-sex marriage in their countries, and about a dozen American politicians who support gay marriage - including San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsom who issued marriage licenses last year to same-sex couples - could be refused the sacraments of the Roman Catholic Church under a proposal being considered by the Vatican.
Catholic bishops meeting in Vatican City at the first synod led by newly anointed Pope Benedict XVI are expected to consider refusing communion to politicians who pass laws that violate church doctrine.
The synod gets underway today.

This means only one thing -- the Politicians' Catholic Church. The first communicants of this new church will include Martin, Rodriguez Zapatero, Newsom, Teddy Kennedy, John Kerry, and many many more.
Pope Teddy I. What a scary thought.
"I absolve all your sins. And if you want to sin some more, that's cool, too," the pontiff of the new church said.
"Our church must be modernized. No longer will wine be a part of the communion. It must be whiskey. Irish whiskey. I would not have agreed to ascend to the papacy had that not taken place.
"Same-sex marriage? Whatever floats your boat.
"Abortion? It's not a real baby yet, so that's cool, too.
"Sex? Whenever you can get it with whomever you can get it with. That's always been my philosophy and it's one I've instilled in all of my family.
"Confession? Forget about it. Our church doesn't need it. We of the Politicians Catholic Church need no forgiveness, for we are always right."
God could not be reached to comment on this new church. But a source close to the Creator said that He is "not amused."

Election ahead

Expect an election in Canada soon.
Paul Martin Jr.'s PR network will be back in business.
OTTAWA (CP) - A memorandum of agreement was reached early Monday between the CBC and more than 5,000 employees who have been locked out for seven weeks.
The basic concepts behind a tentative agreement were reached late Sunday under the supervision of federal mediators, but both sides will continue to work out the details and language of the deal, said Canadian Media Guild spokesman Arnold Amber. While the agreement will be signed Monday, it was not immediately clear when the CBC workers would return to work because both sides must still work out a return-to-work protocol.
In a statement released late Sunday, the union said picket lines were still in effect until further notice.
The Crown corporation locked out some 5,500 unionized employees seven weeks ago in a contract dispute that centred on a CBC plan to hire more contract workers, a move the union says would destroy job security.
"The most important thing about the tentative agreement - there's a cap of 9.5 per cent of contract workers compared to full-time staff employees," Amber said.

Now, Paul Martin Jr.'s government can be hailed as heroes for getting the CBC back to work before the National Hockey League season begins.
What a perfect way to kick off an election campaign, eh?
"I saved Hockey Night In Canada," Martin Jr. will declare.
But wouldn't it be special if Don Cherry ran in Carolyn Parrish's riding?

Save the pigs!

I'll defer to my friend John the Mad to tell you the story of pigs in jeopardy.
Save the pigs!

Showing their stuff

The first paragraph says it all, eh?
OTTAWA (CP) - They're young, they're Liberals, and they're not afraid to take off their clothes in the name of national unity.
Are they being surrogates for the Canadian masses who are being screwed by the Paul Martin Jr. government? Or are they just exhibitionists?
Here's more from the Canadian Press...
Six scantily clad Liberal youth-wing executives, who posed on Montreal's hip St-Denis Street, are front-centre in a poster campaign to begin on Monday that will hit the walls of some Quebec universities and appear in some weekly newspapers.
After young Quebec Liberals came up with the idea, the search for those willing to reveal more than just their thoughts wasn't difficult.
"We had more models than we needed," said Brigitte Legault, president of the youth wing of the Quebec federal Liberals.
The poster says in French: Children of the Charter Flaunt It.

Hmmm. I, for one, didn't realize that the Charter had any involvement in procreation whatsoever, even though the Martin Jr. government takes a special delight in giving it to the taxpayers, especially those of Albertan residence.
But what's truly surprising is the inspiration of this dethreading...
"We're taking the same words of Mr. Pettigrew who tells us that since the beginning, we have advocated Liberal values of openness," Legault said.
This is, of course, Foreign Affairs Minister Pierre Pettigrew, who of late has come under fire for his excessive spending while tending to his foreign affairs. He certainly hasn't been very open about that. But then again, that's the joy of being a Liberal -- words mean only what you want them to mean, especially if they conflict with the traditional dictionary terminology.
As for the strippers?
Well, not a one of 'em did anything to whet my appetite for anything.
Go check the article out and let me know what you think.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Flyers: Reasons for optimism

The preliminaries are done. Let's get ready to drop the puck!
There's a lot of optimism (a rare quality in Philadelphia sports, to be sure) about the Flyers.
I gotta tell you this -- I'm optimistic about this team. Can't pick 'em as my favourite to win the Stanley Cup, though... I think Ottawa gets that spot out of the East after adding Dany Heatley in the Hossa trade. To me, Heatley gives them the skilled grit they've lacked in the past. He -- more so than Dominik Hasek -- is the reason Ottawa should be the East favourite.
Still, I like the Flyers' chances. A lot.
The Flyers were one of the few teams that pretty much knew in advance what their roster would be going into camp. But there's been one big, big surprise... Jon Sim. I had figured him as a spare part kind of guy, a minor leaguer who could fill in for injured players with some competence.
Sim scored 8 preseason goals playing with rookie centreman Mike Richards (who, by the way, is a future all-star - and the future might be now) and veteran winger Mike Knuble. That's the Flyers' second line right now.
The first line hasn't played together yet, thanks to injuries. But Simon Gagne had a very strong preseason, Jeff Carter is a future star, and Peter Forsberg is, well, Peter Forsberg... simply the best.
I don't think coach Ken Hitchcock has settled on the third and fourth lines. Keith Primeau will and Michal Handzus will be the centres, and it's a mix-and-match with Turner Stevenson, Patrick Sharp, Branko Radivojevic, Donald Brashear and late pickup Brian Savage battling for the four winger spots until Sami Kapanen (shoulder injury) returns in December.
And the youngster I figured would make a positive preseason impression -- centre R.J. Umberger -- did make a good impression. He's NHL-ready, but not likely to start the season with the Flyers unless Trader Bob Clarke makes a deal.
The defence should be quite good. Derian Hatcher looked very good in his preseason appearances, a lot better than I expected after his Detroit debacle. Mike Rathje has been, as advertised, rock-solid and a nice complement for offence-minded Joni Pitkanen. Eric Desjardins is still a quality d-man, if not quite an all-star anymore. That's OK, though, because Kim Johnsson should get all-star looks on merit. The sixth defenceman will be Dennis Seidenberg some nights, Chris Therien other nights. Randy Jones is the likely call-up guy from the Phantoms; he's played reasonably well in preseason.
The goalies are quality. Robert Esche will be No. 1 to start, but Antero Niittymaki will push him. Hard.
And who's a better active coach than Ken Hitchcock?
I'm looking forward to Wednesday night's orgy of ice play... every NHL team will be in action. I'll get to go to and listen to all kinds of play-by-play guys (for my money, I'll take Peter Maher in Calgary - great voice, quick to the action - and Tim Saunders in Philly... but sometime this season I'll get around to listening to everyone and categorize 'em for your listening pleasure or displeasure).
Welcome back, NHL!

Air America: Not in Philly

The left's favorite radio, Air America, is outta Philly.
The Inquirer's Michael Klein reports that WHAT, the station that had carried Al Franken and Randi Rhodes, has dumped the voice of the left for locally-generated chat.
Albert Butler, who has produced Mary Mason's morning show on WHAT-AM (1340) for nearly five years, gets his big break - his own show - starting tomorrow. Butler's show will follow Mason's, from 9 a.m. to 1 p.m.
Butler, who turns 33 on Oct. 15 and is a grad of Penn Charter and Hampton University, has done some fill-in but says he was surprised at being tapped. (He thinks Mason was behind it.)
The show, he says, will be "the closest thing to the Today show on the radio," and will be aimed at a younger audience.
Friday was the last day on WHAT for Al Franken's and Randi Rhodes' shows for Air America Radio, the liberal talk network. The mix of AAR's generic talk into WHAT's African American-issues lineup never caught on, especially with a scant promotions budget.
The change also makes room for a 1-to-5 p.m. call-in show for Philadelphia Daily News columnist Elmer Smith.
Air America says it's looking for another Philly radio outlet.

Seems that AirHeads America is losing steam rapidly, huh?