Saturday, September 17, 2005

Singing for N'Awlins

Louisiana Gov. Kathleen Blanco and New Orleans Mayor C. Ray Nagin are planning a special CD to benefit the victims of Hurricane Katrina.
Sources at All Wet Studios say Gov. Blanco will sing "Rescue Me" for the project, while Mayor Nagin will croon a version of "We Gotta Get Out Of This Place."
Louisiana native Britney Spears' newborn son is the producer, sources report.

Friday, September 16, 2005

The theory of devolution: Proven

There's a great debate going on now over the creation. The forces who support teaching evolutionary theory only are on their high horses over efforts to introduce the theory of intelligent design into America's classrooms.
I think, after all is said and done, that I would support the evolutionists -- as long as they included in their curriculum the theory of devolution.
It makes sense that if something can evolve, it then can devolve -- revert toward its original state. A 1970s band made the concept of Devolution the very basis of its existence (remember Devo?).
You won't find more concrete proof of the theory of Devolution than in contemporary North American liberalism.
Take Teddy Kennedy (please! please! please!).
Once the senior senator from Massachusetts was smart enough to make a run for President. Unfortunately, he did so against a sitting Democratic co-partisan in President Peanut, Jimmy Carter... which may have helped the success of the Reagan Revolution (for which, I suppose, we should thank T.K.). Now, he can only read (rather poorly at that) prepared talking points questions. Clearly, he has devolved. For more proof, visit the Museum of Left Wing Lunacy with the sound on.
Next is Paul Martin.
Once, this Canadian was seen by many, even political opponents, as a strong decisive figure who helped get his country out of red ink. Now, he is Mr. Dithers, a man who can't decide anything and just believes in giving the biggest whiners what they want. He truly appears to be clueless in many, many regards. Clearly, another case of devolution.
On to Maureen Dowd.
This columnist for the New York Times was once seen as a person of high intellect and great wit. Of late, she has been reduced to a whining, arrogant child. (Of course, she and her fellow NYT columnists -- such as Paul Krugman, who gives the profession of economists a bad name, and Thomas Friedman, who hasn't met a Bush-bash he didn't buy -- are now going behind a firewall. May they be locked there forever, never to escape.) More devolution.
You can find countless examples of devolution in the comments section at any left-wing blog or in comments left by trolls on any common-sense blog. I consider myself fortunate; I don't seem to collect trolls, nor do I want to. You can never win an intellectual argument with these folks because they don't seem to bring any real intellect to the discussion. They do bring their "I wants" to the table. Oh, do they ever.
"I want gas under $3 (a gallon)."
"I want cheap rents."
"I want free abortions."
"I want blah blah blah this."
"I want blah blah blah that."
And they love to put their caps lock key on AND SCREAM IN YOUR FACE JUST LIKE A 3-YEAR-OLD WOULD DO!
If I had a few grand to speculate in the stock market, or to try to start a business of my own, I would definitely go into the field of adult diapers.
The devolution of the Left indicates a bull market in this product sector is on the way.

Shoutouts go to The Exile from Hillary's Village (a Minnesotan by residence) and to Debris Trail and Junker (who are surviving in the People's Republic of Saskatchewan), whose research into the field of devolution was invaluable, although neither specifically used the name "devolution."

Also, don't forget to visit the Carnival of Comedy XX, a few posts below here. There's good stuff there. I guar-on-tee it!

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Damn you, Spiderman!

Spiderman's Web (aka Les) just tagged my soul. Grrrrrrrrrr.

Here's the game...

1. Seven Things I Hate Doing or That Scare Me
cleaning my bathroom
doing the trimming after cutting the grass
waking up before 9 a.m. (when you work nights, you're like that)
political correctness

2. Seven Things I Like
My Wife
My Kids

3. Seven Important Things in My Room
Air Conditioner
Easy Access to the Bathroom

4. Seven Random Facts About Me
I was once a radio disc jockey
I don't remember much else about those days
I have lived my entire adult life in one state (no, wiseacre, not the state of Confusion)
I was older when I married the Better Half than my dad was when he married mom (which fact won me a case of beer)
My wife has never seen me without a mustache
I once worked on a coal truck
I make a nasty Cajun hamburger

5. Seven Things I Plan on Doing Before I Die
See my kids finish college (I've got 8 years for that to come to pass - I think I've got a chance)
Win the Powerball (right!)
Spend as much time as possible on the Outer Banks of N.C.
Finish my book, "They told me go to Hell, so I did"
Participate in a Flyers Stanley Cup parade
Make the perfect batch of Buffalo wings
Laugh in a leftard's face

6. Seven Things I Can Do or Have Done.
Cover a Miss America Pageant
Drive long distances
Build a shed/clubhouse for my son
Design two decks
Visit the Hockey Hall of Fame
Finish this quiz

7. Seven Things I Cannot or Will Not Do
Another one of these bloody quizzes!
Run for office
Eat broccoli
Drink wine
Be a liberal
Vote for Teddy "Beached Whale" Kennedy
Applaud Cindy Sheehan

8. Seven Things I Say the Most
"Fut the whuck."
"C'mon dude, finish the grass."
"Where's the damn screwdriver?"
"Hey, hon, gas is ____ at _______."
"Is your bag packed for practice (game/meet)?"
"Gimme your laundry. Now."

9. Seven Celebs On Whom I Have A Crush (this is just bloody ammo for the wife, agreed, but I'm going to amend it to include past crushes)
Meg Ryan
Ali McGraw
Mary Ann
Farrah Fawcett-Fawcett
Rita Coolidge
Phyllis George

10. And Finally, Seven Souls I Have Ruined by Tagging Them (*evil lol* - sweet random revenge!)
Surprise! I'm not tagging anyone. However, I will invite all of you to post your views in your comment to this post.

Carnival time: The Carnival of Comedy XX

The Carnival is here! (UPDATE: And the links should now be fixed, too! The computer was hungry on the overnight. Apologies to all.)

This is Carnival of Comedy XX (20 for the Roman numeral-impaired). If Roman numerals are good enough for the Super Bore, they're good enough for me. And, besides, the stuff you will see here is far better than just about any Super Bore you can name (especially if you are, as I am, an Eagles fan).
But getting guest presenters for our extravaganza has proven to be a difficult chore.
In keeping with the XX-rated theme, we tried to get Linda Lovelace and Marilyn Chambers to be the presenters for our show this week, but Linda came down with a sore throat and Marilyn couldn't get the Green Door open because of a flood of Ivory Snow.
Pete Rozelle, unfortunately, is deceased, so he couldn't help either. Terrell Owens was too busy not talking to anybody to join us.
At least Drew Carey, Ryan Stiles and Colin Mochrie sent their regards. Glenn Reynolds, typically, ignored our requests.
But we weren't going to settle for anybody. Cindy Sheehan's agent called and asked if we would provide a script, a month's supply of strong Vidalia onions and 45 cameramen. We, of course, operate here on a low budget without government subsidies, so we declined the offer.
So, the decision was made by a unanimous vote of 1-0 that yours truly, either orr, would double as producer and presenter.
And now, for the first time on record anywhere on the planet, the Carnival of Comedy XX is under way... (Please hold your applause until the first real laugh, which should take about, oh, maybe five or six seconds...)

The Vince Lombardi Division (he's still the best):

Tommy at Striving For Average presents The Sean Penn Rescue Mission.

Steve at Steve the Pirate presents Fake News Item of the Week: Moore Joins Al Qaeda (and goes on a Mickey D-free diet, too!)


Two Dogs at Mean Ol' Meany presents Romance - The Two Dogs Way Ongoing Saga Part II.

Buckley F. Williams at The Nose on Your Face presents Bush Family Disasters Throughout History.

Mr. Right at The Right Place presents New Orleans Rhapsody.

Remulak MoxArgon at The MoxArgon Group presents Episode #6: Signs, Symbols, and Stupidity...

Fitch at Radioactive Liberty presents Hanoi's Heroes.

GunnNutt at The Gunn Nutt presents The Beverly Kennedys - "Judgment Day" (The dog ate his blog, he says).

The Chuck Noll Division (long live the Steel Curtain):

Vox Poplar Is right About Everything & Don't You Forget It! presents a twin bill for your dancing and perusing pleasure: The Sean Penn Nobody Knows AND TAKE THE VOX POPLAR MOONBAT QUIZ!

Kid Various at Grok the Idiom presents The “Man” Seeks Extinction of “Hippies of the Jungle”, Hippies

Ricky at In Search of What's Next presents Liberal politics are like a lighthouse.

Big Picture Guy at Big Picture, Small Office presents The Mind Boggles.

dr. dna at teh voodoo lounge presents Fisking while on drugs.

Ironman at Political Calculations presents Statistics Anyone

The Evil Emperor Mindstation at Point Five presents Disney: New Orleans Square Completely Destroyed.

Dr. E. Scientist, phD. at Where's the Kaboom? presents Forgit Those who Trespass Against Us.

alsocanadian at IAM(also)CANADIAN presents No Sharia Law : The REAL Reason...

Pluto's Dad at Eyes On The Ball News presents Coffee Beans Lend Flavor, Caffeine to Flood Waters.

Ferdinand T. Cat at Conservative Cat presents The Roberts Hearing Highlights.

Mark Swanson at runalong presents Is This What We've Come To?.

a4g at Point Five Blog presents the Croissant of Embrace.

Laurence Simon at This Blog is Full of Crap presents Sixty Days.

The Bill Walsh Division (still pretty doggone good):

Don Surber at Don Surber presents Paging Lionel Hutz .

Xran the Fleshrender at The Moxargon Group presents And Now A Word From Our Sponsor.

Ricky at In Search of What's Next presents A blues musician how-to.

Xran the Fleshrender at The MoxArgon Group presents And Now a Word From Our Sponsor...

The Plumber at Mental Masturbator presents The Plumber Gets an Exclusive Interview With President Bush.

Bittersippy at Sippy's Thoughts presents Them Crazy Movin' Pictures.

Nuke at Mondo Blog presents The (Mis)Adventures of Craig in the Middle East.

Richard at Welcome to the Cannuckistan Chronicles presents Some Humor. (another Canadian tilt, eh?).

Hatcher at Ideas Hatched presents Mathematical Proof of the Absolute Moral Authority of Saddam.

Elisson at Blog d'Elisson presents More Than You Needed to Know (a touch scatological, eh?).

Kathy Hutchins at Gathering Goat Eggs (what an interesting concept) presents If I Were John Roberts.

mensa barbie at Mensa Barbie Welcomes You presents Sightings All Around.

Wyatt Earp at Support Your Local Gunslinger presents A Policeman's Prayer (warning: not suited for Notre Dame fans).


If it was good enough for Bobby Brown, it's good enough for me. I therefore humbly present Everybody Expects the Schumer Inquisition.


Don't forget to visit the Godfathers of the Carnival of Comedy, IMAO, featuring the best damn podcast, period.


The Carnival remains on the road for the next few weeks:

22 September: Basil's Blog
29 September: Steve the Pirate
36 September (er, 6 October) Don Surber

And send your regards to the Flying Space Monkey. His better half is having surgery.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Tyranny of the extremist minority

The tyranny of the extremist minority continues.
Of course, it's coming from San Francisco, the most unAmerican circuit in the US of A.
SAN FRANCISCO - Reciting the Pledge of Allegiance in public schools was ruled unconstitutional Wednesday by a federal judge who granted legal standing to two families represented by an atheist who lost his previous battle before the U.S. Supreme Court.
U.S. District Judge Lawrence Karlton ruled that the pledge's reference to one nation "under God" violates school children's right to be "free from a coercive requirement to affirm God."
Karlton said he was bound by precedent of the 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals, which in 2002 ruled in favor of Sacramento atheist Michael Newdow that the pledge is unconstitutional when recited in public schools.
Judge Karlton was an appointee of President Peanut, Jimmy Carter. So you know he's somewhat to the far, far, far left of center. And you know about the anti-faith Newdow.
But let's think about common sense for a moment here. If you don't want to say "under God" whilst pledging in school, who's gonna notice? Just move your lips in some nonsensical way and no one can tell the difference.
But no.
That's not good enough for the hate-filled Newdow.
I'm not the best of believers, but when the day comes, and Mr. Newdow discovers -- too late -- that there is indeed a Creator, and his sentence is permanent banishment to the unquenchable fires of Satan's back yard, his cries will be audible far and wide.
Yet none will hear them.

A little help for my dad (Guest Post)

While my dad is working on two big projects, something called the Carnival of Comedy and digging up the back yard for a shed, I’m going to fill in today.
My name is Jasper. Jasper the Wonder Barker.
I’m one of dad’s two dog-sons (well, sort-of sons; we’ve been neutered). I’m the older one. I’m 66 (that’s 9½ in human years to you); Maguire’s not even 50 yet. He’s just a pup by comparison to me, even though I’m a Maltese who can walk underneath Maguire’s belly and barely touch it. That makes him so mad!
We’re an interracial set, I guess you’d say. My fur is white, Maguire’s is black. But he’s a nice dog anyway. You have to look beyond the surface, really.
And actually, even though I’m older, I haven’t been with dad and mom as long as Maguire has. My first family was my mom’s mother, so we always called her Grandma. But Grandma had something called a stroke (I’ve had one, too) and had to move out of her house (it was just the two of us), so I moved in with mom and dad and their human kids and Maguire.
At least I wasn’t a stranger to Maguire, but he was really nice when he realized I wasn’t going to leave any time soon. Even today, we share the same water bowl and food bowl. He gets a little jealous sometimes when I’m giving dad’s nose a proper licking and comes over and joins in. But he’s got a reason to be a little insecure from his days as a real puppy. Maguire was a pound pup. Some idiot on the Eastern Shore of Maryland got him as a pup for the summer, then abandoned him. A friend of a friend of Grandma’s found him on the Internet and adopted him, but couldn’t keep him because he was allergic to the fur. So Grandma’s friend, who ran the kennel where I would go on vacation, told Grandma, because mom and dad had lost their dog of 17-plus human years a few months before. They came up and got him.
Now, here we are.
And I’m here to tell you one more thing -- no self-respecting dog can be a leftist. Dad showed me Ferdy the Conservative Cat’s blog; I have to tell you that’s one rare cat. Most cats are interested only in themselves, not like us dogs. Yeah, we do depend on humans a lot, but we give them all we can possibly offer in return. And with my bark and Maguire’s size, we’re a great watchdog team, alerting mom and dad whenever a traveling salesman or (worse yet) politician comes to the door. Maguire’s an intimidator with his size, and my bark and well-practiced snarl will put the fear of the Lord into ’em for sure.
And Maguire’s got a real nose for moonbats -- he’ll hunt ‘em down and tear ‘em apart if dad would let him.
Well, thanks for listening while I help dad with his blog. I think Maguire may be filling in tomorrow or Friday, so just remember he’s a little young, but he’s still O.K.

--Jasper the Wonder Barker

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

The Carnival of Comedy is coming!

Tune in at this station on Thursday for Carnival of Comedy XX. (If the Super Bore can use Roman numerals, so can we.)
I promise you won't have this little bit of wit to kick around on it...

Why is sex like a pro football game?
It takes three-and-a-half hours to have 20 minutes of real action.

Remember to visit the Godfathers of the Carnival of Comedy, the ranking Podcast of the Universe, at IMAO. (The bill is in the e-mail, guys.)

Note: This will stay at the top. New posts coming below.

Everybody expects the Schumer Inquisition

(An adaptation in one part of the classic Monty Python sketch, inspired by a National Review cover and a tart down on 42nd Street. Typed by an underprivileged Latvian gzorp which will work for food. Call Cindy Sheehan today at 1-800-DIE-BUSH for more information.)

John Roberts: I don't know - Mr. Bush just told me that I would become the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, that's all. I didn't expect a kind of Schumer Inquisition.
Schumer (barging in with Leakhy and Turban): EVERYBODY expects the Schumer Inquisition!
Our chief weapon is surprise...No, no, no, that's not it. ....Our chief weapon is fear... and ruthless efficiency....Our two weapons are fear and ruthless leaking to a supplicant press ...and an almost fanatical devotion to getting on camera as often as possible.... Our three... no...Amongst our weapons... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as surprise... I'll come in again.(Exit and exeunt)
Roberts: I didn't expect a kind of Schumer Inquisition.
Schumer: EVERYBODY expects the Schumer Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: surprise, ruthless leaking to a supplicant press, an almost fanatical devotion to getting on camera as often as possible, and an utter disregard for the truth - Oh damn! (To Cardinal Turban) I can't say it - you'll have to say it.
Turban: What?
Schumer: You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief weapons are...'
Turban (rather horrified): I couldn't do that...(Schumer bundles the cardinals outside again)
Roberts: I didn't expect a kind of Schumer Inquisition
Turban: Er... Everybody... um...
Schumer: Expects...
Turban: Expects... Everybody expects the... um...the Schumer... um...
Schumer: Inquisition.
Turban: I know, I know! Everybody expects the Schumer Inquisition. In fact, those who do not expect -
Schumer: Our chief weapons are...
Turban: Our chief weapons are... um... er...
Schumer: Fear...
Turban: Fear and...
Schumer: Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there - stop there. Stop. Phew! Ah!... our chief weapons are fear... blah blah blah. Cardinal, read the charges.
Leakhy: You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy against the First Holy Church of the Secular Humanist Government. 'My old man said follow the...'
Turban: That's enough. Now, how do you plead?
Janice Rogers Brown: We're innocent.
Schumer (diabolically): Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Turban: We'll soon change your mind about that!
Schumer: Surprise, and a most ruthless - (controls himself with a supreme effort) Ooooh! Now, Cardinal - the rack! (Turban produces a plastic-coated dish-drying rack. Schumer looks at it and clenches his teeth in an effort not to lose control. He hums heavily to cover his anger)
Schumer: You... Right! Tie her down. (Leakhy and Turban make a pathetic attempt to tie her on to the drying rack)
Schumer: Right! How do you plead?
Brown: Innocent.
Schumer: Ha! Right! Cardinal, give the rack. Oh dear... give the rack a turn. (Turban stands there awkwardly and shrugs his shoulders)
Turban: I...
Schumer (gritting his teeth): I know, I know you can't. I didn't want to say anything. I just wanted to try and ignore your crass mistake.
Turban: I...
Schumer: It makes it all seem so stupid.
Turban: Shall I...?
Schumer: No, just pretend for God's sake. Ha! Ha! Ha! (Biggles turns an imaginary handle on the side of the dish-rack) (Cut to them torturing Roberts).
Schumer: Now, old man - you are accused of heresy against the First Holy Church of the Secular Humanist Government on three counts - heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and heresy by action - four counts. Do you confess?
Roberts: I don't understand what I'm accused of.
Schumer: Ha! Then we shall make you understand! Turban! Fetch...THE SOFT CUSHIONS!(Turban holds out two ordinary modern household cushions)
Turban: Here they are, lord.
Ximinez: Now, old man - you have one last chance. Confess the heinous sin of heresy, reject the works of the godly - two last chances. And you shall be free - three last chances. You have three last chances, the nature of which I have divulged in my previous utterance.
Roberts: I don't know what you're talking about.
Schumer: Right! If that's the way you want it - Cardinal! Poke her with the soft cushions! (Turban carries out this rather pathetic torture)
Schumer: Confess! Confess! Confess!
Turban: It doesn't seem to be hurting him, lord.
Schumer: Have you got all the stuffing up one end?
Turban: Yes, lord.
Schumer: (angrily hurling away the cushions) Hm! He is made of harder stuff! Cardinal Leakhy! Fetch...THE COMFY CHAIR! (Zoom into Leakhy's horrified face)
Leakhy (terrified): The...Comfy Chair? (Turban pushes in a really plush comfy chair)
Schumer: So you think you are strong because you can survive the soft cushions. Well, we shall see. Biggles! Put her in the Comfy Chair! (They roughly push her into the Comfy Chair)
Schumer: (with a cruel leer) Now - you will stay in the Comfy Chair until lunch time, with only a cup of coffee at eleven. (aside, to Turban) Is that really all it is?
Turban: Yes, lord.
Schumer:I see. I suppose we make it worse by shouting a lot, do we? Confess, man. Confess! Confess! Confess! Confess!
Turban: I confess!
Schumer: Not you!

Canada's Goodie Tour, Part II

Now that Justice Gomery up in Canada seems to think his final report is going to be delayed until February, the ruling Liberals are planning a rock'n'rollin' extravaganza to enliven the usually brutal Canadian winter.
It's going to have to be a top-notch tour, because the NHL is back and will be playing, along with all of the other hockey that Canadians know and love. So it'll be hard to get people's attention.
But watch them do it with... Spending Spree II.
You loved Spending Spree I, in which the Liberals promised all kinds of money for ideas sponsored by Canada's national Socialist party, the New Democratic Party.
Spending Spree II will dwarf Spending Spree I. Millions upon millions of dollars will be spent on putting more money into the pockets of Liberal advertising agencies and companies with deep connections to the ruling mob, including Bombardier, Magna and Power Corp.
Don't worry, friends, the goobers in Alberta will be forced to pay for it all.
Spending Spree II -- coming to a pickpockets' convention near you. Watch for it!

Monday, September 12, 2005

This is not news, but...

WASHINGTON -- The American Left filed for intellectual bankruptcy today.
"We haven't had a positive idea in years," declared Tres Gauche, the attorney who filed the paperwork. "Our intellectual rigor is steered only toward slapping insults on the president and the administration.
"What's worse," Gauche continued, "is that the best and the brightest of our ideas have proven to be at best ineffectual. Even those that have worked are now in danger, such as Social Security, and all we can do is just call Bush and Republicans evil."

More to note

All this week, Stacy at Not a Desperate Housewife is blogging on her nephew, who was killed by a drunk driver. Stop by.

When one sentence says it all...

The Conservative Princess, one of my favorite people (who has the misfortune of living in Ann Arbor), has summarized in one sentence the entire debate over the farces that are proposed as memorials to those who died on 9-11 in New York and in Shanksville, Pa.
What the heck have we become that we have a national tragedy and we build memorials to how much we suck?
That says it all, doesn't it?

Pharisees and the left

It has occurred to me that today's left is much like the Pharisees.
This was brought home by the images of the alleged actor Sean Penn in his malfunctioning boat and toting a shotgun through the streets of New Orleans in the wake of Katrina.
Show up, show off (and don't forget your publicity photographer). Brag on what you do -- "Look at me, I'm wonderful" -- and forget about humility.
Say no more.

Busy season

We're back after a few extra hectic days at the start of the school year.
And, on Thursday (good Lord willing) the Carnival of Comedy, the XX version.
(jimmyb promises some wild stuff).