Friday, February 09, 2007

Inside the faith

The faithful flocked to the First Church of Global Warming in their limousines. Some even arrived by private jet to hear the word.
Pope Algore the First was to give the sermon, an event that required full participation by the faithful.
The congregants came clad only in swimsuits and T-shirts, even though wind chills were officially recorded at 20 degrees below zero. That is how Pope Algore requested that all the faithful dress when attending the First Church of Global Warming, as evidence that such niceties as coats and long pants would not be necessary in the new, hothouse world.
However, the faithful did not know that there were two skeptics in their midst. A pair of joggers were out and decided to drop in and hear just what was going to be said.
They were amazed to find the temperature inside the church at an extremely comfortable 78 degrees. One asked about it.
"Oh, the Pope must be kept warm," said one blue-skinned true believer, who was suffering from the initial stages of frostbite.
The skeptics could not pursue the matter further because the procession was about to begin. Two sycophants began by strewing roses along the center aisle, followed by a group of men clad in thin blue robes bearing the logo of the United Nations. Then, being carried by the four horsemen of the apocalypse, came Pope Algore the First.
Two women fainted at the sight of the high priest of global warming. At least three others went into a rapturous state and began babbling in tongues. Others cried out.
"My Lord and my Pope!" "Algore for King of the World!"
Pope Algore acknowledged the outpouring of love and support with a stiff, wooden, sort of dismissive wave. The four horsemen of the apocalypse placed the Pope at the pulpit and moved away as Pope Algore began to speak.
"My friends, we are here to celebrate our faith in global warming and our destiny as true believers," he began. "We have told them, we have warned them, but many do not believe. They MUST BELIEVE!"
"Alleluia!" cried the congregation.
"They MUST BE MADE TO SEE THE NEED TO SACRIFICE! It is in our mother earth's best interest that the masses repent their ways.
"We, the true believers, will reap the benefits. We have shown that we know how to best use our mother earth's resources. They CANNOT BE TRUSTED!"
At this moment, Pope Algore slammed his hand on the pulpit.
"Did his hand just shatter?" one of the skeptics whispered to the other.
"Sure looked like it."
Then, the skeptics looked up while Pope Algore continued his rant. They saw two men furiously trying to cut the string that controlled Pope Algore's shattered hand. Instead, they cut the string controlling his mouth. Pope Algore tried to speak, but all that could come out was mumbo-jumbo.
"The Pope is not well," one of the men in blue robes said. "Pray for his health. Go in peace to love and serve Algore."
"Well," said one skeptic, "I always thought Algore was wooden. I guess this proved it."
"Sure did," said the other. "See ya later, Rush."
"Yeah, take care, Sean."

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Ken Blackwell for VP

The focus, of course, is on the top of the ticket.
But Republicans should be thinking about how to trump the Democrats in the second slot, too.
This space would support the candidacy of Ken Blackwell for vice-president on the GOP ticket.
Blackwell is the former secretary of state of Ohio, who lost in his bid for governor thanks to disgust over corruption by some of his GOP colleagues. Blackwell doesn't have that personal baggage.
And he's raising his national image by writing a weekly column at The columns are quality. This guy knows his stuff.
Blackwell is also black.
Face it -- the Democrats are NOT going to nominate Barracks Osama. It's either going to be Hilliary or Algore, who would stroll into a deadlocked convention and "offer his services". Either one will need a center-left type in the No. 2 slot, which leaves the far-left Osama out in the cold.
Same old, same old vs. something radically new?
I haven't decided who I'd support for prez yet, but they could do a lot worse (and, unfortunately, probably will) than Ken Blackwell.
Go Ken!

Quick hit

There are enough people running for president today that if we sent 'em all to Iraq, they'd constitute more than the "surge" President Bush is seeking.
Hmmmm... not a bad idea.
It would also seriously depopulate the Senate.
Hmmmm... also, not a bad idea.