Saturday, June 18, 2005

College Choices 2005: The Mergentaler School of Criminal Justice

(third in a series)...

It is a fact that if there are fewer people, there will be fewer criminals. Dr. Mergentaler has spent years researching this fact, including some time inside prisons, talking with criminals, to reach this determination. "It is the only guaranteed way to reduce crime," a spokesman for the doctor said. At the Mergentaler school, you will learn to recognize potential criminal embryos and eradicate them before they have a chance to pull their first heists. Endorsed by NARAL and Planned Parenthood.
Unfortunately, none of Dr. Mergentaler's "students" could be reached to comment.
Approximately $430... generally paid by your insurance carrier. If not, Dr. Mergentaler will gladly discuss terms with you.
Write the Dumpster behind the Holiday Inn, Fredericton, N.B.
Call (899) NOBABYS
E-mail abortionsrus@internationaldeathfactory.on

PREVIOUS: The Shapiro School of Governmental Ethics, The Durbin-Dean School of Advanced Delusional Thinking
NEXT: The Bourassa School of Toxic Religion

College Choices 2005: The Durbin-Dean School of Advanced Delusional Thought

(second in a series...)

Liberal thought is far more complex than most Amerikans realize. It relies on the kind of mental gymnastics only the most trained of brains can negotiate. We at the Durbin-Dean School promise our students that they will be able to equivocate Auschwitz,the Gulags and Guantanamo without any difficulty. Professors Durbin and Dean are masters of the intellectually indefensible, and with guest lecturers such as Professor Kerry speaking on nuances and the Professors Clinton on bedroom rentals, our students will be well indoctrinated.
"These guys are better than LSD!" - T. Leary, deceased
"The Durbin-Dean School is perfect for a better Amerika." - J. Kerry, career deceased
"You can learn a lot from loonies." - D.P. Gumby, potted plant, deceased
"My spoonbending school should be as popular." - U. Geller, popularity deceased
Tuition has yet to be fixed. However, it is likely to be free for all moonbats and up to $2 million for wingnuts.
Write the DNC, Washington, D.C.
Call (899) WE-R-NUTS

PREVIOUS: The Shapiro School of Governmental Ethics
NEXT: The Morgantaler School of Criminal Justice

Friday, June 17, 2005

College Choices 2005: The Shapiro School of Governmental Ethics (UPDATED)

Now that graduation days are just about all done, my crack research staff here has informed me that there are some new schools drawing a lot of attention from the Class of 2005.
This is the first part of a series that will examine the institutions of higher education that are attracting the newly matriculated.
Opened in 2004 by the Hon. Jacques Saada, the school is named for its president, Dr. Bernard Shapiro.
Dr. Shapiro has earned degrees from some of the finest progressive institutions in North America, including Harvard, Boston University, and McGill. In fact, Dr. Shapiro is a professor emeritus at McGill, the landmark Anglophone university in Montreal.
The Shapiro School of Governmental Ethics is not a diploma mill. It takes a long, long, long time for those involved in the school to conclude their work. In fact, Dr. Shapiro is constantly studying the curriculum to see just what has to be done. All students, however, must master the mantra of "hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil."
"The Shapiro School taught me a lot about the ethics of dealing with sex-trade workers." - J. Sgro, Toronto
"I think it's just a wonderful operation, especially for someone with no ethics like me." - P. Martin, Montreal
"I could have used this when I was still around." - J. Chretien (retired), Shawinigan
"For the ethically challenged, the Shapiro School is the right place." - T. Murphy, Ottawa
Write to Third Rock From The Sun, Trudeau Memorial Shower Stall, CFB Petawawa.
Call (899) THIEVES.

Shoutouts to Steve and Stephen.

NEXT: The Durbin-Dean School of Advanced Delusional Thought.

UPDATE 6-18 7:39 pm: Whoops! We left out some very important information.
Tuition is $5,000... cash only (no checks, no credit cards). Leave it in a plain brown envelope in the cafeteria after your interview.

The truth about conservatives

The Exile is one of the smartest people I know. His brain, unlike that of most lefties, will never atrophy from lack of use.
His latest post nails a big difference between lefties and righties.

Return for regrooving 2

As the days go by, it is apparent that our crack research team is going to be kept extremely busy in finding candidates for regrooving.
So, without further ado, here is Return for Regrooving, Part 2:
Dick Durbin. The Illinois senator compared Gitmo to Auschwitz. He is delusional. Regroove him forthwith.
Gloria Galloway. Unnamed sources have turned this Chained and Nailed to the Libranos in as being exceptionally ungroovy. Please regroove immediately.
Pierre Pettigrew. He's not worried about Chinese spying (per Small Dead Animals. Get this guy regrooved fast.
Jan van der Straaten.. The police superintendent of Aruba is doing a bang-up job of keeping tourists away with his blundering investigation into the disappearance of that Alabama teen. Charlie from Aruba, regroove this guy, ok?
Howard "Dizzy and Daffy" Dean. Do I have to say any more? He's already said it all... and expect him to say more. Regroove immediately!
Kofi Annan. You *knew* he was involved up to his eyeballs in Oil-For-Food. Please regroove, but only after a long prison term.
Judge George GreerThe Terri Schiavo case judge. Again, say no more, just regroove.
Until next time...

Thursday, June 16, 2005

More words of wisdom

"There are certain requirements of civilization -- to keep the better angels of our nature in preponderance over the lesser angels."
--John Walters, US drug war czar
This, of course, does not apply in Libranoland, Hollywood, Nude York City, and other places of libertine domination.

There is a timetable, stupid

The Looneycrats in the US of A (and a few Chicken Republicans too) are calling for President Bush to set a timetable for pulling US forces out of Iraq.
This is what the prez should stand up and say:
"We DO have a timetable for ending our involvement in Iraq. Mr. Karzai and I have discussed the conditions and the timing on numerous occasions and will continue to do so.
"But to publicize any such timetable is to tell the enemies of freedom in Iraq of our plans. Would you divulge your plans to someone with whom you are at war? (Democrats and Canadian government officials, you don't have to answer that question - we already know you would.)"

Left-wing math, Lesson 1

Normal math:
$10,000 < $2,000,000
Math at the University of Western Ontario:
$10,000 from the pro-abortion side > $2,000,000 from the pro-life side
What a great educational standard!
(Shoutout to Les.)

Missed a's why

Regulars have noticed the absence of a post on Wednesday.
Dolly the darling daughter had her 8th grade graduation Wednesday. If I can be a proud pop for a moment here, she received a number of awards, including a $500 scholarship for high school next year. She worked quite hard to achieve everything she did this past year and I couldn't be any prouder.

Canada hates the U.S., continued

Canada continues its assault on the United States.
Yahoo News reports that Inuit hunters threatened by a melting of the Arctic ice plan to file a petition accusing Washington of violating their human rights by fueling global warming, an Inuit leader said Wednesday.
Sheila Watt-Cloutier, chair of the Inuit Circumpolar Conference (ICC), also said Washington was hindering work to follow up a 2004 report by 250 scientists that said the thaw could make the Arctic Ocean ice-free in summer by 2100.
Watt-Cloutier, in Oslo to receive an environmental prize, said the Inuits' planned petition to the 34-member Organization of American States (OAS) could put pressure on the United States to do more to cut industrial emissions of heat-trapping gases.
She said the Inuit aimed to file it before a U.N. meeting in Montreal in December.
The Inuit hope that the commission will agree that climate change is tantamount to a U.S. abuse of their human rights by thinning the ice on which hunters depend and by threatening species ranging from polar bears to seals.
U.N. studies forecast that global warming could bring more extreme weather with disastrous droughts, floods and storms. It could also melt icecaps and drive up sea levels, swamping coastal areas and low-lying islands.
Watt-Cloutier collected the $100,000 Sophie Prize on Wednesday for her work for Inuit rights. She said she would use the prize to help write a book about the Inuit to be entitled: "The Right to be Cold."

Watt-Cloutier happens to be a Canadian government functionary.
Hey, Mr. Ambassador McKenna, sir, you're full of it!

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Words to live by

"Someone once defined a social problem as a situation in which the real world differs from the theories of intellectuals. To the intelligentsia, it follows, as night the day, the real world is wrong and needs to change."
--Thomas Sowell
Sound liberal to you?

Excuse me, Mr. Ambassador... (updated twice)

Frank McKenna, Canada's ambassador to the US of A, on Lou Dobbs' CNN show Tuesday:
"We would never want to contribute to in any way to anything that would harm our neighbor."
Three words, Mr. Ambassador... Oil-For-Food.
Three more words, Mr. Ambassador... the Khadr family.
And three more, Mr. Ambassador... Hezbollah in Vancouver.
Four more for good measure, sir... China's favourite trading partner (thanks, Les).
Do you still stand by your quote on Mr. Dobbs' show? If so, how?

The sound of NDP programs flushing down the toilet...

Revenue Canada has written off $2.4 billion in taxes owed but never paid.

Hey, Canada - keep your trash!

Canada is so environmentally wonderful. It sends its trash to the U.S.
Now, that stuff has a chance to stop.
A House committee last week approved a proposal that would allow states to regulate the shipment of international trash.
Now, this is a big thing in Michigan, where Canada (mostly the People's Mini-Republic of Toronto) sends an average of 415 truckloads per day (!!). They don't want it. I don't blame 'em one bit.
This bill has a chance to pass both the House and Senate and end up on G.W. Bush's desk.
Upon further review, this could be why that National Post poll ranked G.W. Bush so high on the list of threats. He may actually make Canada take care of its own trash!
Of course, he can't do anything about the Libranos, but...

The War of 2007

It started over a piece of rock in the North Atlantic.
It became the end of Canada. And it only took a little longer than Israel's Six-Day War of 1967.
The War of 2007 began over Hans Island. Denmark claimed the island in 2002, despite protests from Canada, which claimed the home of a seal colony as its own as a source for Librano voters.
In 2007, Canadian snowmobile forces attacked a Danish ship near Hans Island, killing four Danes and 27 seals. Seeing an opportunity to lash out at a hated rival, Minister of Defense Carolyn Parrish immediately ordered a Canadian forces kamikaze pilot to attack New York City. Unfortunately, the broken-down Bombardier plane crashed in a pasture near Oneonta, N.Y., far short of its target, killing its crew along with two cows.
"It was the damnedest sight," said farmer "Slick" Holstein, on whose field the plane crashed. "I heard this yelling, 'Banzai, eh!' and then a big thud."
With that, U.S. president George Dubya Bush immediately ordered National Guard and Reserve forces from the northeastern U.S. to invade Ontario, with the goals to take Ottawa and Toronto. The 458th Backup Air Force Supply Squadron from Massena, N.Y., captured Ottawa without firing two shots in a matter of less than an hour, seizing Parliament Hill and 24 Sussex Drive without a fight.
"He kept saying, 'Maurice! Maurice!" recounted Staff Pvt. Lucius Surfwalker of the 458th, who personally took Canadian Prime Minister for Life Paulie Librano into custody. Librano, Parrish and a number of other government officials were immediately chartered to a deserted island in Hudson's Bay, where they will be held awaiting trial for treason against the Canadian people and for killing the 27 seals on Hans Island.
Toronto was only a slightly more difficult challenge. The 335th Army Deep Reserve Unit out of Wapwallopen, Pa., ran into traffic on the New York Thruway near Buffalo and didn't get to the border quite on schedule. Still, within two hours of the capture of Ottawa, Toronto had fallen, with socialist mayor David Miller whimpering "Please don't hurt me" to squadron leader Len Bowling. No Canadians were killed in the assault on Toronto, although at least two dozen Librano sympathizers were captured and sent to the Al-Qaeda Memorial Torture Center and Christina Aguilera Music Museum in Cranberry, Pa.
The 515th Motor City Review from Detroit had absolutely no challenge when it took Windsor. "They WANTED us to come," said shocked Review Master-Pvt. Levi "Smokey" Reeves.
Western Canadians and Quebecers immediately seized on developments in Ontario to join the U.S. assault. "I'm not a Librano, I'm not a Librano," screeched Deputy Prime Minister for Life Anne McLellan when she was taken by the Planet X Brigade from her Edmonton office.
"It's that Grewal. He did this," said Death Minister Ujjal Dosanjh upon his capture in British Columbia.
"Da proof is da proof," once-deposed Prime Minister Jean Chretien said when a Quebecois pitchfork force pinned him against a parked Yugo on a street in Shawinigan.
"Oui, but le pitchfork is le pitchfork," said a leader of the force, Lucien Levesque.
Librano and his cohorts were left under guard on that Hudson's Bay island until their trials, in which they were all convicted of acts of war and sentenced to life without parole.
"We'll be out in five years," Librano was heard to chuckle after the sentencing.
He and his cohorts are all still there... even those who died in custody. However, they are still covered by the Canadian medicare program, which caused several of them to file suit, alleging cruel and unusual punishment.
Jack Layton was held for a time as a Librano sympathizer, but eventually bought his release on the promise that he would not be deported to Lower Slobbovia. He is now a college professor and fulltime lamppost in Marin County, California.
Stephen Harper was acclaimed as the first president of the new Canadian Federation, with Gilles Duceppe as his vice-president. Their first action was to nationalize all businesses owned by Power Corp. In the ensuing election, Harper and Duceppe held their positions. The business were broken up and sold to an emerging Canadian entrepreneurial class, which finally had the capital to grow after the Harper-Duceppe tax cuts of 2008.
U.S. forces stayed in Canada for about a year, putting down Librano insurgencies, mostly in Toronto and Ottawa. In Vancouver, city officials upset by the U.S. presence had a Jim Jones moment, in which 5,000 Librano sympathizers died, including many elected officials. However, Center for Disease Control officials were able to save many of the city's thousands of junkies, who voluntarily moved to a treatment center in rural Sasquatch, B.C.
UPDATED THOUGHT: Maybe that National Post diatribe (which, as a USer, I refuse to link to) about G.W.Bush being as much a threat to Canada as Osama Loonie Bin Ladin has some validity, eh?

/satire off

This post was inspired by information from the Washington Times.

Monday, June 13, 2005


Shortly after 5 p.m. Eastern time today, the jailed mob boss called his lawyer.
"Hey, flunky, next time, get my trial moved to California. They don't convict nobody out there."
And, from this time forth, now and forevermore, the name of Michael Jackson is verboten on this blog.