Tuesday, June 14, 2005

The War of 2007

It started over a piece of rock in the North Atlantic.
It became the end of Canada. And it only took a little longer than Israel's Six-Day War of 1967.
The War of 2007 began over Hans Island. Denmark claimed the island in 2002, despite protests from Canada, which claimed the home of a seal colony as its own as a source for Librano voters.
In 2007, Canadian snowmobile forces attacked a Danish ship near Hans Island, killing four Danes and 27 seals. Seeing an opportunity to lash out at a hated rival, Minister of Defense Carolyn Parrish immediately ordered a Canadian forces kamikaze pilot to attack New York City. Unfortunately, the broken-down Bombardier plane crashed in a pasture near Oneonta, N.Y., far short of its target, killing its crew along with two cows.
"It was the damnedest sight," said farmer "Slick" Holstein, on whose field the plane crashed. "I heard this yelling, 'Banzai, eh!' and then a big thud."
With that, U.S. president George Dubya Bush immediately ordered National Guard and Reserve forces from the northeastern U.S. to invade Ontario, with the goals to take Ottawa and Toronto. The 458th Backup Air Force Supply Squadron from Massena, N.Y., captured Ottawa without firing two shots in a matter of less than an hour, seizing Parliament Hill and 24 Sussex Drive without a fight.
"He kept saying, 'Maurice! Maurice!" recounted Staff Pvt. Lucius Surfwalker of the 458th, who personally took Canadian Prime Minister for Life Paulie Librano into custody. Librano, Parrish and a number of other government officials were immediately chartered to a deserted island in Hudson's Bay, where they will be held awaiting trial for treason against the Canadian people and for killing the 27 seals on Hans Island.
Toronto was only a slightly more difficult challenge. The 335th Army Deep Reserve Unit out of Wapwallopen, Pa., ran into traffic on the New York Thruway near Buffalo and didn't get to the border quite on schedule. Still, within two hours of the capture of Ottawa, Toronto had fallen, with socialist mayor David Miller whimpering "Please don't hurt me" to squadron leader Len Bowling. No Canadians were killed in the assault on Toronto, although at least two dozen Librano sympathizers were captured and sent to the Al-Qaeda Memorial Torture Center and Christina Aguilera Music Museum in Cranberry, Pa.
The 515th Motor City Review from Detroit had absolutely no challenge when it took Windsor. "They WANTED us to come," said shocked Review Master-Pvt. Levi "Smokey" Reeves.
Western Canadians and Quebecers immediately seized on developments in Ontario to join the U.S. assault. "I'm not a Librano, I'm not a Librano," screeched Deputy Prime Minister for Life Anne McLellan when she was taken by the Planet X Brigade from her Edmonton office.
"It's that Grewal. He did this," said Death Minister Ujjal Dosanjh upon his capture in British Columbia.
"Da proof is da proof," once-deposed Prime Minister Jean Chretien said when a Quebecois pitchfork force pinned him against a parked Yugo on a street in Shawinigan.
"Oui, but le pitchfork is le pitchfork," said a leader of the force, Lucien Levesque.
Librano and his cohorts were left under guard on that Hudson's Bay island until their trials, in which they were all convicted of acts of war and sentenced to life without parole.
"We'll be out in five years," Librano was heard to chuckle after the sentencing.
He and his cohorts are all still there... even those who died in custody. However, they are still covered by the Canadian medicare program, which caused several of them to file suit, alleging cruel and unusual punishment.
Jack Layton was held for a time as a Librano sympathizer, but eventually bought his release on the promise that he would not be deported to Lower Slobbovia. He is now a college professor and fulltime lamppost in Marin County, California.
Stephen Harper was acclaimed as the first president of the new Canadian Federation, with Gilles Duceppe as his vice-president. Their first action was to nationalize all businesses owned by Power Corp. In the ensuing election, Harper and Duceppe held their positions. The business were broken up and sold to an emerging Canadian entrepreneurial class, which finally had the capital to grow after the Harper-Duceppe tax cuts of 2008.
U.S. forces stayed in Canada for about a year, putting down Librano insurgencies, mostly in Toronto and Ottawa. In Vancouver, city officials upset by the U.S. presence had a Jim Jones moment, in which 5,000 Librano sympathizers died, including many elected officials. However, Center for Disease Control officials were able to save many of the city's thousands of junkies, who voluntarily moved to a treatment center in rural Sasquatch, B.C.
UPDATED THOUGHT: Maybe that National Post diatribe (which, as a USer, I refuse to link to) about G.W.Bush being as much a threat to Canada as Osama Loonie Bin Ladin has some validity, eh?

/satire off

This post was inspired by information from the Washington Times.