Saturday, May 14, 2005

Dear Canada,

Hi to our northern neighbours.
It seems you want a few things from us here in the U.S. of A. these days.
Well, it might not be a bad idea for you to turf, as you put it, your Liberal government when you have your next election.
See, we know all about the connections between your Prime Minister and some shady figures in the Oil-For-Food scandal. We know that's why he stabbed us in the back when it came to Iraqi freedom.
We can't trust that government any more. So if you return it, it's gonna cost ya.
You know how you've got that dispute about mad cow disease? Well, forget about a real settlement if the Liberals return to office.
Then there's that softwood dispute. Again, if the Liberals are back, this issue is going nowhere fast.
We see where Ontario, which appears to be the prime victim of Liberal disease, wants a third connection between Windsor and Detroit. In the U.S. system, you need the federal government on board with this if it's going to happen. No way will it get built if the Liberals stay in power. (It might not get done anyway, because Michigan's senators illegally leaked a secret FBI report about a judicial nominee they don't like just because he's a conservative.)
And there's the matter of passports.
The State Department here has come up with the idea that U.S. citizens will need to have passports when they return from Canada. No passport, no admittance. This is negotiable -- but only if the Liberals aren't around to negotiate with. Otherwise, we'll stick to our guns and the tourist business and the international trucking business will take the hit. And, face it, you need our business a lot more than we need yours.
You may be our neighbours, and most of you are quite good neighbours, but your government is no good neighbour. So, let your conscience be your guide.

Friday, May 13, 2005

Liberal rule = no smarter Canadian s

Another reason to turf the Libranos?

From the Globe and Mail:

Despite widespread efforts and millions of dollars, the number of Canadians who cannot meet most everyday reading requirements has not changed in almost 10 years, according to a new study.
In 2003, 42 percent of adult Canadians lacked literacy skills considered necessary to cope in modern society. The percentage was exactly the same in 1994.
“We have no national strategy and I think this shows that there’s a lot at stake and we can’t afford to let it slide any further,” said Wendy DesBrisay, executive director of the Movement for Canadian Literacy.
The report by Statistics Canada and the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development links literacy skills with better income, employment and health.
Asked why there was so little change, Lenore Burton, director general of the learning and literacy directorate at Human Resources and Skills Development Canada, said: “I can’t answer that question. I don’t know whether anybody can answer that question. We obviously have to put more effort into this. We have to pay a whole lot more attention to this.”

Well, gee, Lenore, you've only had a decade to do something.

Is this coincidence???

It's been a rough past 12 months or so in Canada.
* Paul Martin ended up in the Prime Minister's Office.
* The National Hockey League didn't play this season.
The only way the NHL will return is if Martin goes.

(This post is likely to expand, but this is a start.)


Andrew Scheer, M.P., came up with the delicious analogy of the Liberals hunting down Adscammers and O.J. Simpson hunting down Nicole's killer...
Though Mr. Scheer didn't say, I suspect he somehow was privy to this recording, made at the waiting area at a famous Florida golf course...

O.J. SIMPSON: That you, Jean? What up?
JEAN: Oh, you know, still have to find those thieves from Adscam. Here, have some golf balls with the official Canada logo.
O.J.: Thanks, Jean. I still haven't found the guy what killed Nicole, either.
JEAN: You think maybe there at the same course, just like we are?
O.J.: Gotta be, Jean, gotta be.
CADDIES (SCOTT BRISON, AL COWLINGS): Are you guys gonna play or what?

Paulie Librano speaks

Paul Martin is quite a guy. But he's hard to translate sometimes.
But we have found the Official Paul Martin Translator so we can find out what he really means when he speaks. It's not available in any store, so you'll just have to trust me a little bit on this one.
As for the quotes, they are all readily available to anyone who can stomach visiting the Official Liberal Party Web Site. (NOTE: I cannot necessarily vouch for the accuracy of anything posted to that Web site, so...)

PAUL MARTIN SAID: "Let me say that Canada and the United States remain one another’s staunchest allies and closest friends."
TRANSLATION: "While we stab them in the back so my friends at Power Corp. can profit from Oil-for-Food, we still have to make nice to them."

PAUL MARTIN SAID: "Canada is among the most generous international donors to respond to this disaster with humanitarian and early recovery assistance."
TRANSLATION: "The cheque is in the mail, but don't cash it. We had some unexpected payoffs to make in Quebec and we're a little short right now."

PAUL MARTIN SAID: "We believe that liberty must be embedded and nurtured in democratic institutions."
TRANSLATION: "We're doing our best to make sure that such American principles never take root in Canada."

PAUL MARTIN SAID: "We have long recognized that the defence of North America is also the defence of Canada."
TRANSLATION: "And we'll let the Americans take care of us."

PAUL MARTIN SAID: " 'Peace, order and good government' have always served as clear standards by which to measure the performance of our institutions."
TRANSLATION: "And if we ever succeed in any of those, may God have mercy on us."

PAUL MARTIN SAID: "I spent yesterday with many veterans and soldiers in Ottawa at the opening of the new Canadian War Museum. I recommend you visit it on your next trip to Ottawa. It is a shrine to all those who wore the uniform and fought for Canada, and for what our country stands for. You will be very proud."
TRANSLATION: "We believe that our soldiers are nothing more than torturing swine, but you should still go anyway."

PAUL MARTIN SAID: "Time and again, we have sent the same message to Canadians: Promise made, promise kept. "
TRANSLATION: "They really know the only promises we keep are to ourselves and they seem to like it that way."

PAUL MARTIN SAID: "Religious leaders have strong views both for and against this legislation. They should express them. "
TRANSLATION: "Yes, they should. And we'll come down stomping with jackboots on anyone who doesn't agree with us. Just ask Bishop Henry out there in Calgary."

PAUL MARTIN SAID: "There are times, Mr. Speaker, when we as Parliamentarians can feel the gaze of history upon us. They felt it in the days of Pearson. They felt it in the days of Trudeau. And we, the 308 men and women elected to represent one of the most inclusive, just and respectful countries on the face of this earth, feel it today. "
TRANSLATION: "But since we as Liberals don't believe in the past, it doesn't bother us one bit as we continue to cling to power even though we have no moral authority... especially since we have no morals."

PAUL MARTIN SAID: "We cannot ignore the very real threats to our security posed by terrorists and political thugs who find their genesis not in poverty but in “hate”. "
TRANSLATION: "Those damned Conservatives and the Bloc are a real threat to my security as Prime Minister."

Free Canada!


If you haven't yet, go to Monte Solberg's blog and read the real Paul Martin script. Lawmakers aren't supposed to be anywhere near as funny as Mr. Solberg is here.
And, you really have to visit Aaron's Grandinite blog and read the Prime Minister's New Budget. Wonderfully put together.
Humor (or humour), no matter how it's spelled, is the greatest weapon against the humourless (or humorless).
Also, thanks to M.K. Braaten for tipping me off to Aaron's masterpiece.

You don't need a weatherman to see which way SES tilts

A new poll by that noted Librano polling firm SES is headlined, "AdScam: Almost One In Two Canadians Believe Martin Not Involved."
Spin, baby, spin. Librano Inferno. Spin, baby, spin. Burn the mutha down.
The first pie chart shows that nearly two-thirds of Canadians believe the Big Librano knew about the illegalities of the AdScam deal.
A more proper headline: "Canadians: Martin Knew!"
Do I really have to say any more?
Free Canada!

Thursday, May 12, 2005

And now, the news...

NEWSREADER: Good evening. Here is the news. In Montreal, police are investigating the disappearance of thousands of dollars in tips from the city's swankiest restaurants. Our Suzy Creamcheese reports...

SUZY CREAMCHEESE (who makes Pamela Anderson look like a nun, standing in front of a swank restaurant): Over the past several months, waitstaff at many restaurants throughout the city have served thousands upon thousands of dollars worth of high-quality meals in a professional fashion and not received a penny in tips. Not a penny. Their losses have been estimated in the tens of thousands of dollars, based upon what custom dictates that those tips should be. Montreal Defective Inspector Ja Cuse explains what happened...

JA CUSE (a Peter Sellers clone with a very bad accent, standing on the steps of city hall): We began our investigation with a team of 10 constables, each staking out one restaurant where the waitstaff had complained the loudest. In every case, our constables reported that a man, dressed in a waiter's uniform, would walk up to each table and take the money as the diners left their table. One of our constables confronted the man, who claimed he was the tip collector for the establishment.

SUZY CREAMCHEESE: Further investigation showed that there was a team of men involved in collecting the tips. The men would meet after the restaurants closed in a variety of restrooms at Dorval Airport, according to police...

JA CUSE: We moved in and took them down to the station for questioning. Each man, in his turn, declined to answer questions, saying that they had to contact an address in Ottawa before they could talk. So we laid charges of theft against all of them.

SUZY CREAMCHEESE: All of the men were ordered held in the city lockup pending a court appearance. But the story doesn't end there. For that, we switch to Bob and Doug McKenzie in Ottawa...

BOB McKENZIE (yes, THE Bob McKenzie): Good day, eh?

DOUG McKENZIE (yes, THE Doug McKenzie): Yeah, good day. Anyway, these hosers were getting their orders from this building (cut to picture of Liberal Party headquarters on Metcalfe Street).

BOB McK: Hosers. Take off, eh?

DOUG McK: Yeah, the Mounties figured out that these thick, heavy envelopes were coming in to this very building, eh, and traced 'em all back to the loo at the airport.

BOB McK: Dumb hosers, eh? (sucks down a Molson's)

DOUG McK: Hosers. So the Mounties figured out what was going on. These guys were just collecting money for the election coming up. That's the story, eh? Take off.

BOB McK: Yeah, they said they just did what they did when they were doing what they were doing that that judge Goonery is inquiring into now. That's it, hosers, take off.

DOUG AND BOB TOGETHER: Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

He said it...

"If a nation violates all accepted standards of responsible behaviour, the question is: do we, the international community, have a responsibility to protect – in this case, to protect a country’s people from their own government?"

--quote from Paul Martin on his visit to Washington, D.C., 29 April 2004

Since the Liberal Party government has violated all accepted standards of responsible behaviour, should the people of Canada now require protection?

Dear Ambassador McKenna,

Canada's ambassador to the United States, Mr. Frank McKenna, is making a tour of various cities that aren't Washington, D.C. (aka the cesspool by the Potomac) in an effort to introduce Canada to us uncultured Americans.
As told by the Globe and Mail...

Wednesday, May 11, 2005 Page A14
NEW YORK -- Ottawa's man in Washington, Ambassador Frank McKenna, brought his unique brand of high-energy hucksterism to Times Square yesterday, seeking to allay U.S. fears that Canada is a capricious, and therefore dangerous, neighbour.
Just two months into his job, Mr. McKenna has embarked on a very public effort to reassure Americans that Canada has taken responsible steps to combat terrorism and secure its own borders from unsavoury would-be immigrants.
Following stops in Philadelphia and Colorado Springs in the previous few weeks, the ambassador arrived in the country's business and media centre to deliver a luncheon address to a business audience, meet with the editorial boards of The New York Times and Business Week magazine, and make an appearance on Fox News, the conservative cable network whose pundits often bash Canada's liberal record.
Employing a delivery that was at time folksy and at times urgent, he also sought to debunk common misconceptions that, he said, remain stubbornly at large in the broader U.S. community.

What are those misconceptions, I wonder...
Border security? Well, maybe we wonder some, but that's not high on the list.
That the Canadian government doesn't particularly like the U.S.?
That's no bloody misconception. That's the fact, Jack.
I don't recall anyone ever apologizing for calling Americans "bastards," Ms. Parrish.
I don't recall anyone ever apologizing for a staffer in Ottawa calling our president an idiot. (Note: We Americans reserve the right to call our president an idiot. But outsiders best not mess.)
Oh, and there's one more thing, Mr. McKenna, one that really sticks in my craw.
The fingerprints of the "Power" behind the Liberal throne are all over the Oil-For-Food investigation, as has been reported in numerous locations, or go back to my earlier post about it.
And it has also been reported that the madman Saddam Insane himself invested a cool million in a company founded and controlled on behalf of... your prime minster, Mr. Martin.
Bottom line -- your government sold us out for Oil-For-Food money.
And you don't think we should be hissed off?
Sorry, Mr. McKenna.
When you apologize for that, then I'll start listening.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Inside Libranoland, 1900 hours, 10 May 2005

The vote is in. There is no confidence in the Libranos to continue stealing, er, running the Canadian government.
Well, sort of.
But there is no joy in Libranoland, either. Panic might be the more appropriate description of the mood in the Family.
"What are we gonna do?" screeched Screechin' Annie. "No way that rat Kilgour's gonna stay with us and I'll betcha next month's pay that Cadman comes back to vote when it goes for real."
"It ain't gonna go for real, Annie," Paulie da boss said.
"Whaddaya mean it ain't gonna go, Paulie? You know as well as I do that it's gonna happen, and it's gonna happen soon," warned consigliere Joe.
"It ain't gonna go, Joe," Paulie declared, more definitively this time. "We ain't lettin' go of this. It's our best earner."
"How we gonna do that?" Moneybags Ralph asked.
"Easy, see, it's like this," Paulie began to explain. "Yo, Tough Tony over there, he's gonna go out and he's gonna make 'em an offer of three days when they can make their move on us."
"Already did," Tough Tony said.
"Good man, Tony. But now, before any of Tony's days come up on the calendar, I'm gonna bust the whole thing up and shut it down so they can't move at all."
"That's that pro-rogue thing, huh, boss?" asked Scott the Slimer.
"Yeah, that's it, right there," Paulie said. "They can't touch us then. We still get our earnings and keep everything under control."
The attendees opened their Guinnesses.

A lament

Since Paulie and the Libranos have refused to recognize a non-confidence vote when
they see one, this dirge is in order from a southern friend...

Oh, Canada,
I stand and mourn for thee.
Friend to our north
Seized by Liberal decree
The revolution must begin
it must begin tonight
The Libranos are so wrong
It's time to set it right
Oh, Canada,
craving to be free
Oh, Canada
I stand and mourn for thee.
Oh, Canada
I stand and mourn for thee.

Free Canada!

Better late than never

It took the Associated Press two hours to move a story on its northeastern U.S.
wires on the vote in Commons tonight.
Here it is (watch for errors, please):

TORONTO (AP) — Canada's Parliament passed a motion Tuesday recommending that
the ruling Liberal party resign, but Prime Minister's Paul Martin's government
and constitutional experts insist they don't have to.
The opposition has been angling for a technical maneuver to bring down Martinâ??s
minority government, which has been paralyzed for weeks by verbal brawls over a
corruption scandal within the Liberal Party.
The opposition demanded the Liberals resign after the vote passed 153-150. Each
member of Parliament stood to record their vote and the opposition Conservatives
and Bloc Quebecois cheered when the final tally was announced. They say the Liberals
have lost the confidence of Parliament.
But the Liberals, who are hoping to delay an election, dismissed the motion as a
procedural matter.
The motion by the opposition Conservatives asked a committee to amend a report from
last October to recommend the government resign because of its failure to address
deficiencies in "governance of the public service."
According to constitutional experts, it didn't trigger an election because it
was not an official non-confidence vote or a vote that defeated a money or budget
bill. But they say a Liberal defeat could have political consequences and lead to
paralysis in Parliament.
The Liberals are offering the opposition three days at the end of the month when
they can try to topple the government in Parliament with formal motions of no-confidence.
Martin has pleaded with his opponents to allow his 10-month-old administration to
remain in power until the federal budget is passed. That would kick in funds for
national child- and health-care reform, and new military and defense spending.
Martin has said that none of the programs would come to fruition if he is toppled
before the federal budget is approved by Parliament.
Martin recently made a deal with the opposition New Democrats, pledging another
$3.6 billion in social spending and a promise to delay billions in corporate tax
cuts. In return, NDP leader Jack Layton pledged his 19 MPs in the 308-seat House
of Commons to help prop up the Liberals.
The Liberals have 132 seats in the 308-seat Commons. The Conservatives have 99 seats
and the separatist Bloc Quebecois – who voted alongside the Conservatives –
have 54 seats. That leaves one vacancy and three independents, whose votes could
now make or break the outcome of a legitimate confidence vote if it is held later
this month.

Litany of the Bought

One of the songs in the Roman Catholic hymnal is the "Litany of the Saints". You may have heard it if you watched coverage of the funeral of Pope John Paul II.
Though I am quite sure that the anti-religionists among the Libranos would object, I offer you the official Librano version of this hymn, entitled "Litany of the Bought."
From the top:

Jackie Layton (bought by us)
The NDP (bought by us)
David Kilgour (bought by us)
Carolyn Parrish (bought by us)
Dalton McGuinty (bought by us)
Big city mayors (bought by us)
All these hypocritical heroes bought by us.

The CBC (bought by us)
Toronto Red Star (bought by us)
CTV (bought by us)
Globe and Mail (bought by us)
Global TV (bought by us)
Ottawa Citizen (bought by us)
All these hypocritical heroes bought by us.

This is a group participation thing. If you wish to add some more names to the Litany of the Bought, e-mail me at Credits will be given. (Can't pay you, though.)

--Free Canada!

Monday, May 09, 2005

Let's Make A Deal

(Another part of the never-to-be-released comedy CD, This Librano Hour Has 17 Minutes... the tax man took the rest)

ANNOUNCER (sounding suspiciously like Jean Chretien): Hello, hello, good evening. Welcome to tonight's edition of Let's Make A Deal, with your host, Paulie Librano.
PAULIE L.: Thank you, Jean, you swine. Good evening, everyone. Tonight, we have several people here trying to make a deal with our Canadian government.
Let's meet our first contestant.
ANNOUNCER: He's a full-time socialist who has been in bed with labour unions for years. He's now the mayor of Toronto, Ontario. Won't you please welcome David Miller!
AUDIENCE: (applause)
PAULIE L.: Well, hello, David. And how are you this evening?
DAVID: Not as well as I hope to be later on.
PAULIE L.: All well and good. We'll talk about your deal in just a moment. Jeany, who is our second contestant?
ANNOUNCER: He's a relatively-newly-minted Premier. He, too, now spends most of his time in Toronto, though his home is here in Ottawa. Meet Dalton McGuinty!
AUDIENCE: (applause)
PAULIE L.: A junior Librano after my own heart. But, Dalton, I hear there's trouble in paradise these days.
DALTON: Yes, we have some businesses that we have to attend to.
PAULIE L.: And we will, mon cherie, we will. But we have one more contestant, Jean?
ANNOUNCER: Yes, we do. He, too, is from Toronto (isn't anyone from Shawinigan anymore?). He is the leader of his party, the far-left-of-left-of-center New Democratic Party. He's got a skanky moustache and he's Jack Layton!
AUDIENCE: (applause)
PAULIE L.: Hi, Jack. What's on your mind tonight?
JACK: You know what I want.
PAULIE L.: Now, gentlemen, this isn't just about what you all want. I have needs too. I need to stay in pow- er, stay as the host of this show. The deals you may want may be available only if you are willing to keep me in pow- er, on this show. Now, David, what do you need?
DAVID: I'm here for all the big cities. We need more money, lots more money.
PAULIE L.: Would you take some gasoline tax revenues?
DAVID: In a heartbeat, Paulie. In a heartbeat.
PAULIE L.: Do you promise to support me?
DAVID: For as long as you want, my lord.
PAULIE L.: Your wish is granted.
(DAVID exits, ecstatic)
PAULIE L.: Now, Dalton, I hear you need some assistance after those nasty producers with the hidden agenda have left you in the hole.
DALTON: Yes, about $23 billion worth.
PAULIE L.: Now, Dalton, I can't do that all at once. How's $5.6 billion for starters?
DALTON: Wonderful.
PAULIE L.: Do you promise to support me?
DALTON: For as long as you want, my lord.
PAULIE L.: Your wish is granted.
(DALTON exits, ecstatic)
PAULIE L.: Now, Jack, your wish is a little bit different. Since you are not of our family, it could be a little difficult. What is it that you wish?
JACK: Well, we need more social spending on the programs that enslave our people and turn them into nodding slaves to our nanny state. I need to have them to continue to support you at the showdown.
PAULIE L.: If I give you that, will I get your support at the showdown?
JACK: I'll be right behind you.
PAULIE L.: Good enough. Your wish, too, is granted.
ANNOUNCER: That's our show for tonight. Tune in tomorrow night, when your hero, the swinish, duplicitous Paulie Librano sells more of his soul for votes. Thank you and bonjour.

Read this book!

A friend has forwarded this to me. It's a copy of a radio ad script for a new book coming out.
PAUL MARTIN: Dale Carnegie didn't know jack about the real way to win friends and influence people.
This is Paul Martin. You may know me as the Prime Minister of the Dominion of Canada and the man who will keep Canada unified and clean up the mess in Ottawa.
Believe me, friends, I know the way to get it done. And, in my new book, "Secrets of a Successful Method to Winning Friends and Influencing the World," I will share my secrets with you.
Do you have to deal with carping critics? I know I do. And I can -- and have -- turned them into friends. Jack Layton? He eats out of my hand. Dalton McGuinty? I have him in my corner now.
My methods can work for you, too, as long as you have the power of Sussex Drive behind you.
You know I know what I'm doing when I write a book. Millions of you purchased my last work, "How to Escape Canada's Draconian Tax Laws."
Now, you, too, can learn and practice the secrets of my success when you buy "Secrets of a Successful Method to Winning Friends and Influencing the World," written by me, Paul Martin.
Thank you.
ANNOUNCER: To get your copy of Paul Martin's "Secrets of a Successful Method to Winning Friends and Influencing the World," please send $39.99, plus $50 for shipping and handling (don't forget the GST), to this address:
Liberal Slush Fund
Third Stall from the Door
Carolyn Parrish Restroom
Lester B. Pearson Airport
Toronto M9Z 9Z9
Liberal Slush Fund
Third Stall from the Door
Carolyn Parrish Restroom
Lester B. Pearson Airport
Toronto M9Z 9Z9
Order yours today!
SECOND ANNOUNCER: This offer not available in Alberta.