And now, the news...

NEWSREADER: Good evening. Here is the news. In Montreal, police are investigating the disappearance of thousands of dollars in tips from the city's swankiest restaurants. Our Suzy Creamcheese reports...

SUZY CREAMCHEESE (who makes Pamela Anderson look like a nun, standing in front of a swank restaurant): Over the past several months, waitstaff at many restaurants throughout the city have served thousands upon thousands of dollars worth of high-quality meals in a professional fashion and not received a penny in tips. Not a penny. Their losses have been estimated in the tens of thousands of dollars, based upon what custom dictates that those tips should be. Montreal Defective Inspector Ja Cuse explains what happened...

JA CUSE (a Peter Sellers clone with a very bad accent, standing on the steps of city hall): We began our investigation with a team of 10 constables, each staking out one restaurant where the waitstaff had complained the loudest. In every case, our constables reported that a man, dressed in a waiter's uniform, would walk up to each table and take the money as the diners left their table. One of our constables confronted the man, who claimed he was the tip collector for the establishment.

SUZY CREAMCHEESE: Further investigation showed that there was a team of men involved in collecting the tips. The men would meet after the restaurants closed in a variety of restrooms at Dorval Airport, according to police...

JA CUSE: We moved in and took them down to the station for questioning. Each man, in his turn, declined to answer questions, saying that they had to contact an address in Ottawa before they could talk. So we laid charges of theft against all of them.

SUZY CREAMCHEESE: All of the men were ordered held in the city lockup pending a court appearance. But the story doesn't end there. For that, we switch to Bob and Doug McKenzie in Ottawa...

BOB McKENZIE (yes, THE Bob McKenzie): Good day, eh?

DOUG McKENZIE (yes, THE Doug McKenzie): Yeah, good day. Anyway, these hosers were getting their orders from this building (cut to picture of Liberal Party headquarters on Metcalfe Street).

BOB McK: Hosers. Take off, eh?

DOUG McK: Yeah, the Mounties figured out that these thick, heavy envelopes were coming in to this very building, eh, and traced 'em all back to the loo at the airport.

BOB McK: Dumb hosers, eh? (sucks down a Molson's)

DOUG McK: Hosers. So the Mounties figured out what was going on. These guys were just collecting money for the election coming up. That's the story, eh? Take off.

BOB McK: Yeah, they said they just did what they did when they were doing what they were doing that that judge Goonery is inquiring into now. That's it, hosers, take off.

DOUG AND BOB TOGETHER: Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo.