Let's Make A Deal

(Another part of the never-to-be-released comedy CD, This Librano Hour Has 17 Minutes... the tax man took the rest)

ANNOUNCER (sounding suspiciously like Jean Chretien): Hello, hello, good evening. Welcome to tonight's edition of Let's Make A Deal, with your host, Paulie Librano.
PAULIE L.: Thank you, Jean, you swine. Good evening, everyone. Tonight, we have several people here trying to make a deal with our Canadian government.
Let's meet our first contestant.
ANNOUNCER: He's a full-time socialist who has been in bed with labour unions for years. He's now the mayor of Toronto, Ontario. Won't you please welcome David Miller!
AUDIENCE: (applause)
PAULIE L.: Well, hello, David. And how are you this evening?
DAVID: Not as well as I hope to be later on.
PAULIE L.: All well and good. We'll talk about your deal in just a moment. Jeany, who is our second contestant?
ANNOUNCER: He's a relatively-newly-minted Premier. He, too, now spends most of his time in Toronto, though his home is here in Ottawa. Meet Dalton McGuinty!
AUDIENCE: (applause)
PAULIE L.: A junior Librano after my own heart. But, Dalton, I hear there's trouble in paradise these days.
DALTON: Yes, we have some businesses that we have to attend to.
PAULIE L.: And we will, mon cherie, we will. But we have one more contestant, Jean?
ANNOUNCER: Yes, we do. He, too, is from Toronto (isn't anyone from Shawinigan anymore?). He is the leader of his party, the far-left-of-left-of-center New Democratic Party. He's got a skanky moustache and he's Jack Layton!
AUDIENCE: (applause)
PAULIE L.: Hi, Jack. What's on your mind tonight?
JACK: You know what I want.
PAULIE L.: Now, gentlemen, this isn't just about what you all want. I have needs too. I need to stay in pow- er, stay as the host of this show. The deals you may want may be available only if you are willing to keep me in pow- er, on this show. Now, David, what do you need?
DAVID: I'm here for all the big cities. We need more money, lots more money.
PAULIE L.: Would you take some gasoline tax revenues?
DAVID: In a heartbeat, Paulie. In a heartbeat.
PAULIE L.: Do you promise to support me?
DAVID: For as long as you want, my lord.
PAULIE L.: Your wish is granted.
(DAVID exits, ecstatic)
PAULIE L.: Now, Dalton, I hear you need some assistance after those nasty producers with the hidden agenda have left you in the hole.
DALTON: Yes, about $23 billion worth.
PAULIE L.: Now, Dalton, I can't do that all at once. How's $5.6 billion for starters?
DALTON: Wonderful.
PAULIE L.: Do you promise to support me?
DALTON: For as long as you want, my lord.
PAULIE L.: Your wish is granted.
(DALTON exits, ecstatic)
PAULIE L.: Now, Jack, your wish is a little bit different. Since you are not of our family, it could be a little difficult. What is it that you wish?
JACK: Well, we need more social spending on the programs that enslave our people and turn them into nodding slaves to our nanny state. I need to have them to continue to support you at the showdown.
PAULIE L.: If I give you that, will I get your support at the showdown?
JACK: I'll be right behind you.
PAULIE L.: Good enough. Your wish, too, is granted.
ANNOUNCER: That's our show for tonight. Tune in tomorrow night, when your hero, the swinish, duplicitous Paulie Librano sells more of his soul for votes. Thank you and bonjour.