Friday, May 12, 2006

The Baritones

Announcer: While most of the major organized crime families in the United States have been decimated by prosecutions, one small family continues to elude the watchful eye of the feds.
Welcome to The Baritones….
(theme music)
[Don Guiseppe, the boss of the Baritones, is sitting in his office with his trusted consigliore, Little Steven. Tony Bananas walks in.]
Tony: Hey boss, you wanna see me?
Don G: Yes, Tony, sit down. How are you?
Tony: Doin’ fine, boss. Steven, how about you?
Steven: I’m well, Tony, thanks for asking.
Tony: You need something, boss?
Don G: Yes, Tony. You know Johnny Capistrano, runs with the California crew? They call him Don Juan ‘cause he’s the ladies man.
Tony: Yeah, I know him.
Don G: Well, he’s got a problem. And he’s givin’ me a headache, you know what I’m sayin’?
Tony: Yeah. Whatcha need?
Don G: Why don’t you give this guy a one-way ticket to Lower Slobbovia?
Tony: Sure, boss, I can do that. I’ll get on it right away.
[Tony leaves.]
Steven: Are you sure we can trust this guy? He’s not exactly the brightest bulb in the lamp, you know.
Don G: Yeah, I know. But who else we got? I don’t wanna use anybody with any real brains. We don’t have enough of them to keep our thing going, you know what I’m sayin’? If he screws up, hey, we got 20 more just like him.
(theme music)
Announcer: We’ll return to The Baritones in just a moment after this word from one of our sponsors.
Vito: Hi, Baritones fans. This is Vito DeVito from Hitman Motors and we’re glad to be bringing you this show. We here at Hitman Motors have a long history of serving our families. We’ve been a family-owned business since 1929, specializing in taking care of the needs of the extermination corps of families since the days of Al Capone. In fact, Hitman Motors’ first big job was creating the car used for the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre. So you know we’re reliable. We’ve got your work cars, complete with hiding places for all of your extermination needs. We’ve also got reliable, tested crash cars to use when you’re leaving a job. And so much more. So stop in and see us at Hitman Motors, at the corner of Maim and Disfigurement Streets in the Windy City. We’ve also got locations in New York, Boston and Philadelphia for those of you on the East Coast who need our services. That’s Hitman Motors. Call us at 1-800-KILLERS. That’s 1-800-KILLERS for Hitman Motors… serving families all over America since 1929.
(theme music)
Announcer: Now, back to The Baritones.
[The next day, Don G and Steven are back in the office, drinking espresso. A radio tuned to an all-news station plays in the background.]
Don G: I hope it don’t take too long for Tony to take care of that crumb.
Steven: Yeah, we’re getting a lot of heat from the Scandalos to get the job done.
[The radio plays the sound effects for a major bulletin.]
Radio announcer: A reputed organized crime figure was killed….
Don G: Turn that up.
[Steven turns up the radio.]
Radio announcer: … at Newark International Airport today in what police believe was a foiled hijacking attempt. The dead man is identified as John Capistrano, reputedly a mid-level member of the Scandalo family. Sergeant Slaughterer of the Newark Airport Police has more…
Sgt. Slaughterer: The deceased Mr. Capistrano was fighting with the pilot as he was about to board Flight 666 to Lower Slobbovia. Another passenger scheduled to take the flight jumped in to help the pilot…
Steven: Holy shit!
Sgt. Slaughterer: … and attacked Mr. Capistrano repeatedly with a pair of box cutters. Mr. Capistrano eventually collapsed and was pronounced dead at the scene.
Radio announcer: The passenger who helped the pilot has been identified as Wahhabi Al-Jihad, an Iranian national. Police told 1990 News that Mr. Al-Jihad was being questioned, but that they expected to free him, as other witnesses to the incident have told police that Mr. Al-Jihad was only coming to the defense of the pilot. We’ll have more details later.
Don G: Jeez, I gotta hand it to Tony. He got some Ay-rab to take the crumb out. None of our fingerprints anywhere near this one. Guess he’s got more brains than we thought.
Announcer: We’ll return to The Baritones in just a moment after this word from one of our sponsors.
Dom: Hi, this is Dom from Dom’s Loan and Savings. Are you down on your luck, in need of a few bucks? See me, Dom, president and chief loan officer at Dom’s Loan and Savings, located at the back of Joe’s Billiards on Desolation Row, just one block from Hitman Motors. Need to pay your bookie? Behind on your alimony? Or you just need a few bucks for that hot blondie you’ve been dyin’ to hook up with? See me, Dom. Easy terms available, as always, but it’s always on my terms. That’s Dom’s Loan and Savings. You get the loan, I get your savings.
(theme music)
Announcer: Now, back to The Baritones.
[Don G is in his office, alone. Tony comes in, breathless.]
Don G: Tony, my friend, come in. Sit down. How are you?
Tony: Didja hear about Johnny?
Don G: Yes, you did well.
Tony: Whaddaya mean? All I did was get Johnny the ticket to Lower Slobbovia.
Don G: You mean you didn’t get the Ay-rab?
Tony: What Ay-rab?
[Don G sighs loudly.]
Announcer: Tune in again next week for another edition of The Baritones, when you’ll hear Don Giovanni say to Tony…
Don G: How are those shoes, Tony?
Tony: They’re heavy, boss.
Don G: Good. They’re supposed to be.
[Sound of gunshots. Tony screams, then hits the floor.]

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Carnival, carnival

The Carnival of Satire, edition 33 (the Kareem Abdul-Jabbar version) is in the house. Go enjoy.
And Phat is where it's at... the Carnival of Kennedy, er, Comedy, that is.

Joe Quaffer, Conservative daredevil

Joe: Hi, I'm Joe Quaffer, Conservative daredevil. Today, I'm about to embark on a stunt that would daunt even the bravest of men. I'm going to sit down here at the computer and listen to a podcast from the most hideous, foul-mouthed leftist Web site on the planet.
(Joe sits down, in full stunt gear. Friends gather around. Joe clicks on the site.)
Sound from the computer: George Bush [bleeping noise]. The pope [bleeping noise]. [Bleeping noise...]
(Joe collapses. Friends rush up to him and pull out a Conservative Beer. Joe revives.)
Joe: Whew! That was close. Don't try this at home.
Announcer: Joe Quaffer, Conservative daredevil, brought to you by Conservative Beer. Right. Always right. Always.

The John Sanity Show

Announcer: Live from midtown Weehawken, where no man fears to tread, but most women do, it's three hours of truth, justice and the American Way... Standing up for what's right... it's the John Sanity Show!
John Sanity: Thank you, Shot Cannon, and hello, friends. Three hours a day is all we need. Of course, it's the three hours that we're here, bringing you the best, the most complete, the most honest news and information of the day. Remember, this is the only voice of Sanity that you will ever hear on your radio dial, here on the John Sanity Show.
Later on in the program, we'll talk with Ann Coatrack about her new book, "Dogless," and how the left plans to take all of our canines and turn them over to the Evil Puppy Blender. We'll review Teddy Kennedy's new book, "100 Proof -- Why I Never Left the Senate After 44 Years." We'll have an update with the mother of the Aruban girl who disappeared in southern Alabama two months ago in the case that has caused a national furor. And, on Sanity and None tonight, we'll have a shootout with the San Francisco supervisor who wants to ban straight marriages in his city.
We've got a lot to get to today on the John Sanity Show. Remember, three hours a day is all we need. These three hours that I'm here with you, the only voice of Sanity you'll ever hear on your radio dial.
First, though, I'm really steamed about the letter that the president of Iran, Ahmadenijihad, sent President Bush. Diplomacy? Well, maybe more than Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi, the two most scary names in the U.S. today, except for Hillary Clinton. And yes, tomorrow, we talk with John Podhoretz, the author of a new book who argues that Hillary will be the next president... unless. We'll get him to tell us what the unless is right here on the only voice of Sanity you'll ever hear on your radio dial. And tomorrow night, on Sanity and None, we'll get into a real shootout with the demon of the left, Al Frankenstein. 9 Eastern. More John Sanity, straight ahead...

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Dirty Laundry 2006

Back in the late 1980s, Don Henley was tired of the negative gossipmongering he heard on the TV news and wrote the anthem "Dirty Laundry."
It needs updating to reflect what's really going on.
Now, for your dancing and listening pleasure, we present "Dirty Laundry 2006"...

I used to be the anchor on the evening news.
Now I'm on my own, with everything to lose.
I've got the untrustworthy blues.
That's my dirty laundry.
I used to have the power, but I'm not alone.
Ratings are a-fallin' while the Web has grown.
The winds of change have fully blown
the cover off our dirty laundry.
Kick 'em when they're up
Kick 'em when they're down
Kick 'em when they're up
Kick 'em when they're down

Kick 'em when they're up
Kick 'em when they're down

Kick 'em when they're up
Kick 'em when they're down

See the bubble-headed bleached blonde. She hates George Bush.
When Bill was in the White House he would fondle her tush.
We're certain that her brain is mush.
That's her dirty laundry.
See the foreign correspondent in a Baghdad hotel.
He couldn't tell an Iraqi from a snowball in hell.
He thinks al-Qaeda is just swell.
That's his dirty laundry.
See the snarky old reporter from the New York Times.
She used to be respected, but now she's despised.
She fills her prose with left-wing lies.
That's her dirty laundry.
We don't have a clue now, we just have to pass.
We wouldn't know the truth if it bit us in the a**.
Cut us off now at the pass.
Burn our dirty laundry.
Kick 'em when they're up
Kick 'em when they're down

Kick 'em when they're up
Kick 'em when they're down

Kick 'em when they're up
Kick 'em when they're down

Kick 'em when they're up
Kick 'em when they're down

See the former star producer; she don't work here.
Fake but accurate don't work now; let me make myself clear.
Go cry in someone else's beer.
Stuff your dirty laundry.
If we really want to find out what's going on
We don't look to you and your tired old song.
To us, you're going, going, gone
with the dirty laundry.
See them spew their diarrhea, they can't handle the facts.
It certainly appears they all ODed on Ex-Lax.
They're nothin' but a bunch of hacks
Sellin' dirty laundry.
Now your stupid ratings are in the tank.
That's a rubber check you're trying to take to the bank.
We know your mind's a total blank.
Bleep your dirty laundry.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Yes, global warming did it...

Global warming has been blamed for just about every “unusual” climatic event of the past decade or so.
Now, there’s a scientist who claims global warming’s effects impact not only the weather, but elections as well.
Dr. Noah Zark of the Hot Air Institute, a government-funded think tank in Upper Sasquatch, B.C., claims that the election results in the U.S. in 2004 and in Canada in 2006 are a direct result of global warming.
Dr. Zark explains his theory thusly…
“When people are warmer, they are more active. As they become more active, their brains become more active as well. Our research has shown that the more active people’s brains are, the more likely they are to want to take control of their own destiny.
“This is a natural situation for small-c conservatives to profit. Whether it’s the Conservative Party in Canada or the Republican Party in the U.S.A., people’s instincts when they are warmer are to move away from the security blanket offered by the leftist organizations, such as the Liberal Party of Canada and the Democratic Party of the U.S.A. That blanket becomes stifling, too hot, as it were.
“We also found commonalities in the air patterns in the days immediately preceding the election. There was an inordinate amount of hot air blowing about, usually approaching from the left. This did not benefit the Liberals or the Democrats, despite the fact that it appeared that they were behind the increase in hot air. It was, in fact, counterproductive for them, and may have, in fact, cost them the elections.”
Dr. Noah Zark has even come up with a name for this phenomenon.
“This is, indeed, the winds of change.”

And now, a word from one of our non-sponsors...

Hello, I'm Dem. Dem O'Crat. Owner and proprietor of Dem's Diner here at the corner of Idiot Walk and Loser Lane here in Nowheresville.
We're proud of the fact that we are now open to serve you, the American sucker public, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
Our breakfast special this week is the Hillary Waffle. No matter which way the wind is blowing, the Hillary Waffle will always be right there.
Check out our a la Kos menu. Our tables are arranged so that you are always served from the left. No right-wing diatribes here.
For those who like an adult beverage with their meal, Dem's Diner offers the Kennedy Room, with more than 150 varieties of whine... er, wine... for your pleasure.
Our most popular selection is the Bush Lied Concorde. It repeats and repeats without end.
Then, there's the Grand Impeach, with a stubborn taste that just won't go away.
And our Spanish-speaking customers love the Nocom Prendo, a wine that will leave you baffled by everyday English.
Taxes are never included in the prices on our menu. We hit you with them on the way out, after it's too late.
We don't take reservations here at Dem's Diner, but you can always call ahead to see how long you'll have to wait to feast on such delicacies as the Pelosiburger, made out of the finest tofu; Chicken Kerry, smothered in ketchup; Roast Byrd; and more.
Just call us at Dem's Diner at 1-999-BUSHLIE.
That's the truth.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled ripoff.