Friday, May 12, 2006

The Baritones

Announcer: While most of the major organized crime families in the United States have been decimated by prosecutions, one small family continues to elude the watchful eye of the feds.
Welcome to The Baritones….
(theme music)
[Don Guiseppe, the boss of the Baritones, is sitting in his office with his trusted consigliore, Little Steven. Tony Bananas walks in.]
Tony: Hey boss, you wanna see me?
Don G: Yes, Tony, sit down. How are you?
Tony: Doin’ fine, boss. Steven, how about you?
Steven: I’m well, Tony, thanks for asking.
Tony: You need something, boss?
Don G: Yes, Tony. You know Johnny Capistrano, runs with the California crew? They call him Don Juan ‘cause he’s the ladies man.
Tony: Yeah, I know him.
Don G: Well, he’s got a problem. And he’s givin’ me a headache, you know what I’m sayin’?
Tony: Yeah. Whatcha need?
Don G: Why don’t you give this guy a one-way ticket to Lower Slobbovia?
Tony: Sure, boss, I can do that. I’ll get on it right away.
[Tony leaves.]
Steven: Are you sure we can trust this guy? He’s not exactly the brightest bulb in the lamp, you know.
Don G: Yeah, I know. But who else we got? I don’t wanna use anybody with any real brains. We don’t have enough of them to keep our thing going, you know what I’m sayin’? If he screws up, hey, we got 20 more just like him.
(theme music)
Announcer: We’ll return to The Baritones in just a moment after this word from one of our sponsors.
Vito: Hi, Baritones fans. This is Vito DeVito from Hitman Motors and we’re glad to be bringing you this show. We here at Hitman Motors have a long history of serving our families. We’ve been a family-owned business since 1929, specializing in taking care of the needs of the extermination corps of families since the days of Al Capone. In fact, Hitman Motors’ first big job was creating the car used for the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre. So you know we’re reliable. We’ve got your work cars, complete with hiding places for all of your extermination needs. We’ve also got reliable, tested crash cars to use when you’re leaving a job. And so much more. So stop in and see us at Hitman Motors, at the corner of Maim and Disfigurement Streets in the Windy City. We’ve also got locations in New York, Boston and Philadelphia for those of you on the East Coast who need our services. That’s Hitman Motors. Call us at 1-800-KILLERS. That’s 1-800-KILLERS for Hitman Motors… serving families all over America since 1929.
(theme music)
Announcer: Now, back to The Baritones.
[The next day, Don G and Steven are back in the office, drinking espresso. A radio tuned to an all-news station plays in the background.]
Don G: I hope it don’t take too long for Tony to take care of that crumb.
Steven: Yeah, we’re getting a lot of heat from the Scandalos to get the job done.
[The radio plays the sound effects for a major bulletin.]
Radio announcer: A reputed organized crime figure was killed….
Don G: Turn that up.
[Steven turns up the radio.]
Radio announcer: … at Newark International Airport today in what police believe was a foiled hijacking attempt. The dead man is identified as John Capistrano, reputedly a mid-level member of the Scandalo family. Sergeant Slaughterer of the Newark Airport Police has more…
Sgt. Slaughterer: The deceased Mr. Capistrano was fighting with the pilot as he was about to board Flight 666 to Lower Slobbovia. Another passenger scheduled to take the flight jumped in to help the pilot…
Steven: Holy shit!
Sgt. Slaughterer: … and attacked Mr. Capistrano repeatedly with a pair of box cutters. Mr. Capistrano eventually collapsed and was pronounced dead at the scene.
Radio announcer: The passenger who helped the pilot has been identified as Wahhabi Al-Jihad, an Iranian national. Police told 1990 News that Mr. Al-Jihad was being questioned, but that they expected to free him, as other witnesses to the incident have told police that Mr. Al-Jihad was only coming to the defense of the pilot. We’ll have more details later.
Don G: Jeez, I gotta hand it to Tony. He got some Ay-rab to take the crumb out. None of our fingerprints anywhere near this one. Guess he’s got more brains than we thought.
Announcer: We’ll return to The Baritones in just a moment after this word from one of our sponsors.
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(theme music)
Announcer: Now, back to The Baritones.
[Don G is in his office, alone. Tony comes in, breathless.]
Don G: Tony, my friend, come in. Sit down. How are you?
Tony: Didja hear about Johnny?
Don G: Yes, you did well.
Tony: Whaddaya mean? All I did was get Johnny the ticket to Lower Slobbovia.
Don G: You mean you didn’t get the Ay-rab?
Tony: What Ay-rab?
[Don G sighs loudly.]
Announcer: Tune in again next week for another edition of The Baritones, when you’ll hear Don Giovanni say to Tony…
Don G: How are those shoes, Tony?
Tony: They’re heavy, boss.
Don G: Good. They’re supposed to be.
[Sound of gunshots. Tony screams, then hits the floor.]