Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Everybody expects the Schumer Inquisition

(An adaptation in one part of the classic Monty Python sketch, inspired by a National Review cover and a tart down on 42nd Street. Typed by an underprivileged Latvian gzorp which will work for food. Call Cindy Sheehan today at 1-800-DIE-BUSH for more information.)

John Roberts: I don't know - Mr. Bush just told me that I would become the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, that's all. I didn't expect a kind of Schumer Inquisition.
Schumer (barging in with Leakhy and Turban): EVERYBODY expects the Schumer Inquisition!
Our chief weapon is surprise...No, no, no, that's not it. ....Our chief weapon is fear... and ruthless efficiency....Our two weapons are fear and ruthless leaking to a supplicant press ...and an almost fanatical devotion to getting on camera as often as possible.... Our three... no...Amongst our weapons... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as surprise... I'll come in again.(Exit and exeunt)
Roberts: I didn't expect a kind of Schumer Inquisition.
Schumer: EVERYBODY expects the Schumer Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: surprise, ruthless leaking to a supplicant press, an almost fanatical devotion to getting on camera as often as possible, and an utter disregard for the truth - Oh damn! (To Cardinal Turban) I can't say it - you'll have to say it.
Turban: What?
Schumer: You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief weapons are...'
Turban (rather horrified): I couldn't do that...(Schumer bundles the cardinals outside again)
Roberts: I didn't expect a kind of Schumer Inquisition
Turban: Er... Everybody... um...
Schumer: Expects...
Turban: Expects... Everybody expects the... um...the Schumer... um...
Schumer: Inquisition.
Turban: I know, I know! Everybody expects the Schumer Inquisition. In fact, those who do not expect -
Schumer: Our chief weapons are...
Turban: Our chief weapons are... um... er...
Schumer: Fear...
Turban: Fear and...
Schumer: Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there - stop there. Stop. Phew! Ah!... our chief weapons are fear... blah blah blah. Cardinal, read the charges.
Leakhy: You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy against the First Holy Church of the Secular Humanist Government. 'My old man said follow the...'
Turban: That's enough. Now, how do you plead?
Janice Rogers Brown: We're innocent.
Schumer (diabolically): Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Turban: We'll soon change your mind about that!
Schumer: Surprise, and a most ruthless - (controls himself with a supreme effort) Ooooh! Now, Cardinal - the rack! (Turban produces a plastic-coated dish-drying rack. Schumer looks at it and clenches his teeth in an effort not to lose control. He hums heavily to cover his anger)
Schumer: You... Right! Tie her down. (Leakhy and Turban make a pathetic attempt to tie her on to the drying rack)
Schumer: Right! How do you plead?
Brown: Innocent.
Schumer: Ha! Right! Cardinal, give the rack. Oh dear... give the rack a turn. (Turban stands there awkwardly and shrugs his shoulders)
Turban: I...
Schumer (gritting his teeth): I know, I know you can't. I didn't want to say anything. I just wanted to try and ignore your crass mistake.
Turban: I...
Schumer: It makes it all seem so stupid.
Turban: Shall I...?
Schumer: No, just pretend for God's sake. Ha! Ha! Ha! (Biggles turns an imaginary handle on the side of the dish-rack) (Cut to them torturing Roberts).
Schumer: Now, old man - you are accused of heresy against the First Holy Church of the Secular Humanist Government on three counts - heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and heresy by action - four counts. Do you confess?
Roberts: I don't understand what I'm accused of.
Schumer: Ha! Then we shall make you understand! Turban! Fetch...THE SOFT CUSHIONS!(Turban holds out two ordinary modern household cushions)
Turban: Here they are, lord.
Ximinez: Now, old man - you have one last chance. Confess the heinous sin of heresy, reject the works of the godly - two last chances. And you shall be free - three last chances. You have three last chances, the nature of which I have divulged in my previous utterance.
Roberts: I don't know what you're talking about.
Schumer: Right! If that's the way you want it - Cardinal! Poke her with the soft cushions! (Turban carries out this rather pathetic torture)
Schumer: Confess! Confess! Confess!
Turban: It doesn't seem to be hurting him, lord.
Schumer: Have you got all the stuffing up one end?
Turban: Yes, lord.
Schumer: (angrily hurling away the cushions) Hm! He is made of harder stuff! Cardinal Leakhy! Fetch...THE COMFY CHAIR! (Zoom into Leakhy's horrified face)
Leakhy (terrified): The...Comfy Chair? (Turban pushes in a really plush comfy chair)
Schumer: So you think you are strong because you can survive the soft cushions. Well, we shall see. Biggles! Put her in the Comfy Chair! (They roughly push her into the Comfy Chair)
Schumer: (with a cruel leer) Now - you will stay in the Comfy Chair until lunch time, with only a cup of coffee at eleven. (aside, to Turban) Is that really all it is?
Turban: Yes, lord.
Schumer:I see. I suppose we make it worse by shouting a lot, do we? Confess, man. Confess! Confess! Confess! Confess!
Turban: I confess!
Schumer: Not you!