Tuesday, October 04, 2005

What to take to an anti-anti-war protest rally

A precision guided humour assignment
What do you really need in order to protest an anti-war protest? A counter-protest, as it were?
Well, the cracked research staff at either orr has come up with its necessities for attending such an event.
1. Nearly naked ladies. Dirty hippies are attracted to nearly naked ladies, although most nearly naked ladies are repulsed by dirty hippies. The nearly naked ladies will draw their attention. When the dirty hippies come over and attempt to hit on the nearly naked ladies, you will be thoroughly justified in stomping the daylights out of the dirty hippies.
2. Deodorant. Most dirty hippies are not just dirty, but dirty and smelly. If you offer a dirty, smelly hippie some deodorant, he/she will become extremely violent. Again, you will be thoroughly justified in stomping the daylights out of the dirty hippies.
3. Air freshener. When the smell of dirty hippies becomes unbearable.
4. Water pistols. You may have to give the dirty, smelly hippies an impromptu shower.
5. Signs. These are very useful in executing the stomping of dirty hippies as described in items 1 and 2. They can also offer a variety of pointed commentaries on the day's proceedings. If you are feeling especially generous, you can even give some signs to the dirty hippies. The most popular one is the middle finger extended, but others in demand by the dirty hippies include "Americans for Osama" and "Cindy wants a date with Saddam."
6. Jane Fonda movies. If it's cold, these can be very useful in starting a bonfire to keep warm. This, of course, is true only for videotapes. DVDs make useful undersized frisbees to offer you some exercise on the protest lines. After you're done, you can smash the DVDs while stomping the dirty hippies.
7. Newspapers. The Sunday New York Times is ideal (or the Saturday Toronto Star if you're north of the border). A lot of paper to help the bonfire and prevent their leftist rubbish from being read by a susceptible dirty hippie (those dirty hippies who can actually read, that is).
8. Earplugs. You may need them to avoid suffering damage from overly loud, screeching dirty hippies, especially if you have been provoked into stomping them.
9. Hamburgers and hot dogs. At a protest? you ask. Yes, indeed. Many dirty, smelly hippies are also militant vegetarians. When they see you enjoying a hamburger or a hot dog, they will become extremely aggressive, at which point you are thoroughly justified in stomping the daylights out of them.
10. Subway tokens. After you have stomped the dirty hippies, they will need a way home. Since many of them don't drive, you can show the true generosity of the anti-anti-war movement and let them save their money for the important things, like Cindy Sheehan statues and the like.
There you have it, friends... either orr's guide to the necessities of a successful anti-anti-war protest.