Wednesday, October 05, 2005

The Politicians' Catholic Church (version 2)

Sometimes you get an idea and blog it. It works out O.K. (see below), but you know you could do more and better with it. This is one of those cases. So, it's time to start again...

A schism is brewing within the Roman Catholic Church, one that threatens to remove a sizable number of its members.
Pope Benedict is considering a universal standard for denying the sacrament of the Eucharist (Communion, to you non-Catholics in the audience) to politicians whose actions stand in opposition to church teachings.
Should that come to pass, such prominent folks as U.S. Sens. Teddy Kennedy and John Kerry and Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin Jr. would find themselves receiving only a blessing and not a communion wafer at Mass.
This, of course, would be an affront that must not be allowed to happen.
So, the aforementioned politicians, along with many others in North America and Europe, are banding together to form the Politicians' Catholic Church.
"Who is some German guy in a dress to tell ME that I cannot receive Communion?" roared one of the driving forces behind the schism.
The new Politicians' Catholic Church promises to be less judgmental than its Roman counterpart.
"We don't believe in standards. If you say you're a Catholic, you're a Catholic. We will not judge you," said the Very Irrev. Jacques Strappe, a French priest who is expected to become the PCC's first pope. "You don't even have to go to Confession if you don't want to."
There were some concerns about staffing the many parishes that are expected to form once the new PCC (Politically Correct Church?) gets under way. But many clerics who are being defrocked from the Roman church for their parts in the massive North American sex scandal are expected to be recruited, sources said.
"We all have our weaknesses," the Very Irrev. Strappe said. "We must not let that stand in the way of our mission of making all of our politicians and their politically-correct followers feel good about themselves."
The Very Irrev. Strappe also said that the new church would seek space in the United Nations building in New York for its world headquarters.
"That's where the politicians are," he said.
He also said that some politicians, such as Kennedy and Martin, would be considered for bishoprics in the new church, if their political duties would not interfere.
"I'm sure the prime minister would be honored," said a spokesman in Martin's office. "But I think he may be too busy covering up all the crimes his fellow partisans have committed to devote the time to being a bishop that the job deserves."
"The senator probably would not have the time, but is deeply touched that he would be considered for such a prestigious position," a Kennedy bartender-aide said.
God could not be reached for comment, as He was busy tending to the thousands of people who weren't, as predicted, killed in New Orleans by Hurricane Katrina. However, a spokes-saint said that He was "not amused."

There. That's the ticket.