The Passion of Mohammed

Now, from Channel 299: The 21st Century So Far, a movie review segment...

Matt Laidback:
In movie news tonight, protests are taking place all over the uncivilized world over the new movie, “The Passion of Mohammed.” Thousands of protesters marched through the streets of Tehran, Damascus, Mecca and Paris demonstrating against the film. Christiana Amarealrich reports from Damascus.
Christiana:
“Death to the US. Death to the infidels who lie about Mohammed.” Those are the chants here on the streets as angry Muslims denounce “The Passion of Mohammed.”
Wahhabi Al-Jihad:
All those involved in this, a fatwa upon them. No man may blaspheme the prophet.
Christiana:
Several protesters told me they planned to move to Mexico and begin the fatwa shortly. Christiana Amarealrich, Damascus.
Kate Perky:
Now, with a review of the movie “The Passion of Mohammed,” here’s our movie reviewers, Alec Baldwin and Pat Robertson.
Alec:
Boy, am I glad I’m not in this one.
Pat:
I, for one, wish I could have seen your talents displayed in this work from Salmon Fishrie, you no-talent fornicator. This is a must-see movie. Salmon Fishrie is definitely swimming upstream in this historical work.
Alec:
Yeah, but George W. Bush is an idiot.
Pat:
Stick to the movie, Alec. That explains why you are a no-talent fornicator. Anyway, I talked with Salmon Fishrie, who is now in hiding thanks to the fatwa that was placed upon him by the Islamofascists.
Salmon:
This is a historical work. This is not a watered-down version of the truth designed to cater to people’s sensitivities. Mohammed was a real man. In order to portray him in all his many facets, we had to make it a very graphic film, much as Mel Gibson did in his “Passion of the Christ.”
Pat:
But as I understand it, Salmon, you were not able to convince the rating board to give your film an R. They tagged your film X-rated.
Salmon:
That’s right, Pat. But the sex scenes, and, yes, there are sex scenes -- frankly, Mohammed was quite the stud, according to historical accounts -- are no steamier than anything you would see on Desperate Housewives. The dhimmi cabal in Hollywood, of which your colleague Mr. Baldwin is a charter member, rose up and threatened a strike if the rating board gave “The Passion of Mohammed” an R rating.
Pat:
That would have been no loss, just like Mr. Chavez in Venezuela.
Alec:
I resemble that remark.
Pat:
Is that why you used unknowns for the leading roles in your film?
Salmon:
Yes. I didn’t want people seeing the film to focus on the actors, but on the story. It is a compelling story, indeed.
Pat:
I understand that the film is doing very well.
Salmon:
Yes, it has exceeded my expectations. In fact, it is now in profit after only three weeks of release. Most films take months, if not years, to be profitable.
Alec:
None of mine have ever made money, you, you, you [expletive beeped out]…
Pat:
Jealous, are we, now, Alec? Anyway, Salmon Fishrie, thank you, God bless you and good luck.
Salmon:
Thank you, Pat. Actually, I’m hoping to cast Alec in my next film.
Alec:
I’ll take it. I’ll take it.
Salmon:
Good. You’ll play the lead role in “The Execution of the Fatwa on Salmon Fishrie.”
Alec:
Uh, uh, well, er, um…
Kate:
Thank you, gentlemen and Alec, for that report.
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By the way, Channel 299's first draft is now complete and in the hands of a friend who is reviewing it for me. More details later.