Presidential news conference
(an excerpt from Channel 299: The 21st Century So Far by either orr and the society of impalers... more details later)
I’m Matt Laidback. Welcome to a Channel 299 News special. We take you live to the White House, where President Bush is going to hold a news conference…
Distinguished sounding chap:
The President of the United States.
Thank ya. I’m here tonight to announce a special new program. As you know, the price of gasoline has gone through the roof. I can’t hardly afford to fill up my SUV, and, as you know, as president, I make a lot of money. So I can only imagine what this is doing to you. We’ve gotta do something about this, to reduce our addiction to oil from that greasy Ahmahdenijihad fellow in Iran. So I’ve ordered the scientists in the Energy Department to immediately begin work on developing an alternative fuel made from sewage. We’ve got tons of it produced every single day across this great nation of ours. So it only makes sense that we try to use this natural resource. We’ll have experimental plants up and running in 90 days in New York, Washington, Boston and Hollywood and we hope we’ll be producing enough fuel to power fully one-half of our nation’s cars by 2008. Questions.
Gregory David, Channel 299 News. Why New York, Washington, Boston and Hollywood?
Well, Gregory, there’s a saying we have down in Texas. Go where the action is. In this case, we have to go where the crap is. And our experts have informed me that those four places have the greatest concentration of pure, unadulterated crap in the country. That’ll reduce our transportation costs.
Following up, Mr. President. Will more plants be built in the so-called Red States?
Well, Gregory, we’ve found that things are generally not as crappy there, so it’s not the most efficient thing we can do right now. Perhaps in the future, but we’ve gotta make sure this will work.
Jim Jones, Washington Post Toasties. What kind of Kool-Aid have you been drinking, Mr. President? What makes you think this will succeed?
Jim, we’re not 99 and 44/100ths percent sure that it will work. But we’re darn close to that sure.
Following up, Mr. President. Why is Channel 299 News the only news we can watch here in the White House?
It’s because you’re too darned lazy to get up and change the channel. Next question.
Helen Thomas, Dead Reporter Walking. Have you informed Mr. Ahmadenijad of your intentions? If not, why not?
Helen, darlin’, he’s hearing about it as you’re hearing about it. But we do have some top-secret plans for some of the sewage we’ll be processing in our treatment plants.
Mr. President, are you saying that you are developing sewage bombs to drop on Iran?
They don’t need any more sewage, they’re so full of it.
Distinguished sounding chap:
Channel 299 News now presents, as it does after every presidential news conference, Talking Heads with an analysis of the President’s address.
Letting the days go by, let the sewage hold me down
Letting the days go by, sewage flowing underground
Into the blue again after the money’s gone
Once in a lifetime, sewage flowing underground.
This ain’t no party, this ain’t no disco, this ain’t no foolin’ around.
I said it once. Why say it again?
Take me to the river, rock me on the water.
That’s our Talking Heads report on the president’s news conference. CSI: Tamaqua will return next week at its regularly scheduled time. We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming on Channel 299, where there’s always something on.