Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Al-Qaeda's new strategy

A precision guided humour assignment
Al-Qaeda's letter indicates that the heroes of Islamoterrorists everywhere are in some difficulty.
Ayman al-Zawahiri and Abu Musab al-Zarqawi have committed some serious strategic blunders, especially in ticking off the Shiites of Iran, who have already indicated their willingness to nuke Al-Qaeda to the pre-Stone Age (since they are Stone Age types themselves).
As a result, chief terror God and financier Osama Loonie Bin Laden has decided to award both of these fine terrorists their 72 virgins and place the operation in the hands of two new leaders.
The cracked research team here has not only already learned the identities of these men, but we have also intercepted their first communications, which took place in a chat room at the Turkish Baths in Damascus (why they didn't call them Syrian baths is a mystery for another post).
Muhammad Al-Qapon: What we need, Allah be praised should he grant our wish, is a victory.
Mustafa Al-Qatraz: Yes, damn the infidels, we have lost too many to the great hereafter, where they are enjoying their rewards, without the success Allah has promised his faithful believers.
Al-Qapon: We must have a conquest, Allah be praised, where it is clear that we have the forces of all of Islam with us, yet not have to waste too many of our devoted soldiers so they can live to fight the infidels another day.
Al-Qatraz: Is it time, o brother in the Quran, for us to adjust our sights and take our jihad to another territory?
Al-Qapon: Allah be praised! I think you have spoken with the wisdom of the ages. We must find a territory where the infidels are weak and unlikely to offer significant resistance.
Al-Qatraz: Allah indeed! All glory! But let us think of where we can conquer without great losses to our cause. We have had trouble with our recruiting, prayers to Allah that we can reverse that trend, and many great battles lie ahead.
Al-Qapon: Through Allah, I believe I have two choices for us to consider.
Al-Qatraz: Praise Allah in all his glory! Where, o brother of Islam, might these be?
Al-Qapon: One, Allah guide us, would be more difficult. It would require great travel, but would strike very close to the infidels in the United States. One option would be Canada.
Al-Qatraz: They are, glory to Allah in the highest, rather weak and quite prone to dhimmitude. But, brother, it may be too close to the Great Satan.
Al-Qapon: I have considered that, colleague in the Qu'ran, which is why I presented it to you first. I believe that it is our second option.
Al-Qatraz: What, brother, is our first option?
Al-Qapon: Allah be praised, our scourges must be delivered upon France.
Al-Qatraz: France, devoted son of Muhammad?
Al-Qapon: Yes, France. It is weak, caught up in its debauchery and its fondness for wine. It is filled with dhimmis who would gladly surrender before the swords of Allah carve them into pieces. It is also a land that few infidels would come to join in the battle on their behalf. They are weak, they are alone. What better combination for success, Allah bless our mission!