Monday, April 24, 2006

Whose country is this, anyway?

Subtitled: Songs of the Undocumented Worker
One of my favorite TV shows (a short list, believe me) is Whose Line Is It Anyway?
I’ve been a fan of both the original English version and the Drew Carey American version. Both are quite good.
The cracked research team here at either orr, though, has discovered an unaired sequence of the show that will absolutely knock your socks off.
Clive Anderson, the host of the Brit version, does a special guest turn in this piece as the host, with Drew Carey, Ryan Stiles, Colin Mochrie and Wayne Brady taking on the challenge.
Here, courtesy of the transcription staff here, is the complete, unexpurgated (no 18-minute gaps in the tape) routine.
Now, the star challenge of the night is to come up an infomercial for songs of the undocumented worker. Ryan and Colin will be the announcers, Wayne and Drew will sing.
You know, Colin, illegal immigrants don’t have it so tough.
Yes, I know, Ryan, and we’ve even found the songs they’re singing as the work their way through America. And we’ve got ‘em all in Songs of the Undocumented Worker, with the biggest stars in the music world contributing their talents to this masterpiece.
And we’ve got samples of these great tunes. Here’s Phil Collins…
It’s such fun being an illegal alien, I gotta tell you
It’s such fun being an illegal alien, there’s millions of us
It’s such fun being an illegal alien, we’re taking over
Yes, and even the Boss himself has an offering…
My son was born in the USA,
He was born in the USA,
Now they have to let me stay ’cause he was
Born in the USA.

David Crosby and Graham Nash teamed up to present this little ditty for Songs of the Undocumented Worker…
Wayne and Drew (in some sort of harmony):
I’ve gotten in, immigration man
And I’ve got you by the balls
Watch me runnin’ down your halls
Even the dead are coming back to life for this special event.
Yes. Here’s the late country legend Marty Robbins…
Down in the west Texas town of El Paso
I fell in love with a Mexican girl
Nobody told me that she was illegal
Now I must spend the next three years in jail
Now where do the proceeds of this go, Ryan?
All proceeds from Songs of the Undocumented Worker go to the NACLU.
Yes, the Non-American Civil Liberties Union. It’s the adjunct of the ACLU for the undocumented worker.
Are our documents in order? After all, we’re Canadians.
Yes, they are. Now, here’s another selection from a new band called Ozma…
I’m in the truck
There’s dozens of us stuffed in here
Can’t stand up, no room to sit down
no turning back to this country town
But I’m comin to you, my brown-eyed girl
Soon I'll be in your American world

John Prine is one of the unknown legends of music. He’s joined the chorus for Songs of the Undocumented Worker…
You may see me tonight with an illegal girl
She don’t cost very much, but she lasts a long while
Won’t you please tell the man I didn’t kill anyone
I’m just tryin’ to have me some fun.

Colin, this is such an exciting record. Even Led Zeppelin has reunited for this event…
We come from the land free of Taco Bell,
Where there is no work and it’s hot as hell.
How soft your fields so green,
Can whisper tales of Al Gore,
Of how we turned the tides of war.
We are your overlords.
On we sweep, your border porous,
Our only goal will be the western shores.

And how much more soulful can you get than James Brown?
Living in America - not Mexico, I’m in a real nation
Living in America - I won’t get caught, I’m filled with elation
Living in America - got to have a celebration

We’ve even gotten Freddy Fender from the country scene to add to the Songs of the Undocumented Worker…
I know it’s tough in a strange land
I got my money to the man
And I’m headin’ north tonight
Everything will be all right
And I'll be there
Before the next teardrop falls
You know, there’s another side to this. But the undocumented workers can laugh at the people such as the Minutemen. We’ve even brought the Eagles to sing the Minuteman’s Lament…
Oh, ooh, I’m out on the border
I just got hit with a fine
Don’t you tell me ’bout your law and order
When there’s millions crossin’ the line
But, Colin, no collection of Songs of the Undocumented Worker is complete without Motown.
You’re right, Ryan, so here’s Smokey Robinson and the Miracles…
Wayne on lead, Drew on background:
Goin’ to the U.S. (Yes, I am now)
Goin’ to the U.S. (baby, come on now)
It doesn’t matter if you go stag
It doesn’t matter if you go drag
It’s just the place to go, come on and join the show
Most every trucker that you flag is
Goin’ to the U.S. (ooh ooh ee ee)
Goin’ to the U.S. (Vicente says it’s cool)
Dontcha wanna go?
It’s so good, and it’s all yours -- for just $39.99.
That’s all?
No, Colin. There’s more. If you call now 1-976-ILLEGAL, you’ll get a free bonus disc, Songs of the Democratic Presidential Candidates.
With this classic from the Plastic Ono Band…
One, two, three, four
Everybody's talking about
Silly Billy and his Hilly
Scary Kerry, Rheingold Feingold,
Time and Warner, gobble, gobble, gobble…
All we are saying is give Dean a chance,
All we are saying is give Dean a chance

There’s this New York classic…
My man is Feingold, the right man
Think of Feingold if you want to win, man
He’s refreshing, not sweet
He’s the Democrats’ treat
Won’t you try extra dry Feingold here?

And Tommy Boyce and Bobby Hart and the Monkees chime in…
There’s a girl who wants the White House in 2008.
And I hope she gets it, cause I know that she‘ll be great.
They call her Hillary.
I love my Hillary.
Yes, these and more for no extra charge for just $39.99 when you order Songs of the Undocumented Worker. Here’s more from the bonus disc from Bobby Freeman and Bette Midler…
Do you Warner dance into the White House,
Throw the Bushies out into the night?
Oh Baby, do you Warner dance?
And Neil Diamond is part of this fabulous bonus collection…
He’s the right man, Yes, yes he is
Ah, the man’s outta sight, yeah
Says the right things, Yes, yes he does
And he’ll do them all right, yeah
He got the way to move me, Kerry
He got the way to groove me, Kerry baby
All right.

Just think. Songs of the Undocumented Worker and Songs of the Democratic Presidential Candidates, all yours for just $39.99.
Call now, 1-976-ILLEGAL.
That’s 1-976-ILLEGAL.
Colin, Ryan, Drew and Wayne together:
Remember, 1-976-ILLEGAL. Call NOW!
That was tremendous. No points.