Sunday, January 15, 2006

Conservatives mentally deficient, liberal shrinks' study claims

MSM News Service

BOSTON -- Conservatives are lacking in certain brain skills, according to a study released today by a pair of noted liberal experts.
"The dysfunction we have noted in our study is remarkable," wrote Dr. Ziggy Moondust, former rock star and George Soros Professor of Psychology, Psychiatry and the Heartbreak of Psoriasis at Kos University, and Dr. Al K. Hall, Edward M. Kennedy Professor of Interpersonal Relationships and Inebriating Liquids at Chappaquiddick State University.
"Conservatives' brains are incapable of understanding certain truths that we hold to be self-evident. These include: that government is the source of all good in our world, and the more the better; that government can do anything better than anyone else; and that people are not really responsible for their own actions, but that society is to blame," the experts claimed.
The study of approximately 26 conservative bloggers' writings also showed a distinct belief that rights were granted by a "creator," rather than the government, Moondust and Hall wrote, and that there are standards which are set for everyone, not just those who are not amongst the elite of the world.
"They cannot accept that we, the besht and brightesht, (hic), desherve to... to... set the shtandardsh for ev(hic)everybody elsh," Hall slurred. "Excush me, I've been doin' shum research."
"Yeah, man, he's right," Moondust chimed in. "Wow, I mean, really. We want to do what we want and not have to feel, like, you know, guilty about it. And those people can't wrap their tiny little brains around that. They're such 'tards, you know?"
The study was funded by grants from the Howard Dean for President in 2008 Committee and the Get Cindy Sheehan Out of Jail Free Organization.
This story is as real as the Memogate papers and the Koran-jammed toilets at Club Gitmo.
Film at 11.