New alternative fuel programme announced
By Ima Liarr
OTTAWA -- Prime Minister Paul Martin Jr. today announced a new plan to develop an alternative source of fuel for Canada's vehicles.
Martin Jr. said that he would authorize the expenditure of $3 trillion (Cdn) on a plan to convert sewage into automobile fuel, should his party be returned to power in the Jan. 23 election.
"We never run out of sh**," Martin Jr. said on the campaign trail in Toronto, Ottawa, Montreal, Moose Jaw and Medicine Hat. "There's always a fresh supply, especially when we in the Liberal Party of Canada speak.
"Besides, it would give us a chance to employ all the scientists who espouse global warming theories and give them some real work to do, instead of running around like the Chicken Littles that they really are. We believe productive Canadians are happy Canadians."
Martin Jr. also said that he would allocate part of that $3 trillion into research on converting bovine flatulence into usable fuel.
"That's a proven global warming source," he said. "A natural gas such as that has some potential and we intend to find it."
U.S. scientists were skeptical.
"I doubt they could get it done fast enough," said Dr. B. Reel, director of the Institute for Deep Thoughts and Discount Duodenum Surgery in Mocanaqua and Wapwallopen, Pa. "Canada will be drowning in sh** by the time Jan. 23 rolls around."