Saddam gets life (or, the Days of our Lives)

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DAY 1: THE SENTENCE
BAGHDAD, Jan. 20, 2006 -- Saddam Hussein was sentenced today to 6,485 consecutive life sentences by an Iraqi court for the extermination of thousands of Kurdish opponents in the 1990s... and will serve his time in Canada.
The Iraqi government declared that it had agreed to send Saddam to Hans Island, the small rock in the North Atlantic that has been the centre of a disagreement between Denmark and Canada.
"We welcome such a distinguished leader as Saddam to our shores," declared Canada's governor-general, Michaelle Jean. "We will ensure that he receives the best health care Canada has to offer."
Danish officials would not comment on the record about Saddam's move to the Island, but several officials said the move was being taken as an affront to Copenhagen.
"Ya, but Saddam will get very lonely up dere with da seals," said one very high government official, who spoke on condition of anonymity.
Danish officials said that Hans Island would not have cell phone or Internet service, because its telecommunications agency has not allowed for it. Canada's technology, the Danes claimed, could not reach the island safely.
According to Injustice Minister Irwin Cotler, Saddam will be given a TV set and a DVD player. “The only satellite signals available there are from Fox, so we won’t give him a dish,” Cotler said. “Instead, we’ll give him a full Michael Moore collection.”
That announcement brought catcalls from the American Civil Liberties Union, which helped to broker the life sentence.
“Hans Island’s isolation is one thing,” said ACLU spokesman Lucifer Satanovich. “But all Michael Moore all the time qualifies as a blatant example of cruel and unusual punishment.”

DAY 2: CHANGE OF CONTROL
BAGHDAD, Jan. 21, 2006 – Canada has withdrawn its offer to house convicted former Iraqi president Saddam Hussein during his 6,485 consecutive life sentences, but it appears that Saddam will still spend the rest of his life on Hans Island.
Within hours of the announcement yesterday, Canada backtracked on its offer to house Saddam on the tiny isolated island that has been the centre of a dispute between Denmark and Canada.
“We regret that we cannot be responsible for him,” said Prime Minister Paul Martin Jr. “We just can’t guarantee his safety there.”
Sources in Denmark, however, confirmed that Martin’s abrupt turnaround coincided with the announcement that Saddam has agreed to testify against a multitude of international figures involved in the Oil-for-Food scandal that propped up his regime. Reports have linked several prominent Canadians to a bank implicated in the controversy.
“Ya, we’ll take care of him there,” a Danish official said. “It’s not official yet. The king and queen have to sign off on it, but we’ll put him up there. We can take care of it, even as the Canucks can’t.”
Saddam was sentenced to 6,485 consecutive life terms this week for the slaughter of thousands of Kurdish opponents in the 1990s.
There will be no cell phone or Internet service for Saddam, but he will be given a complete collection of Danish erotic art and videos for his perusal.
“That’s the least we can do,” the official said.
ACLU spokesman Lucifer Satanovich said he felt the Danish offer was “a fair proposal,” especially with the upgrading of the video collection. Canada had offered only the complete works of Michael Moore, which Satanovich had called “a blatant example of cruel and unusual punishment.”
“We also intend to offer him a chance to be fixed up with Cindy Sheehan [the anti-war U.S. woman], if the Danes agree,” theACLU representative added.

DAY 3: GITMO’S NOT SO BAD
BAGHDAD, Jan. 22, 2006 – Saddam Hussein said today he would rather spend the rest of his life at Club Gitmo, rather than on Hans Island.
“Yeah, I saw that on Rush’s [Limbaugh] Web site and it looks pretty nice,” the former Iraqi dictator said of the U.S. prison camp. “It sure beats a damn island in the ice.”
Saddam was sentenced to 6,485 consecutive life terms this week for the slaughter of thousands of Kurdish opponents in the 1990s.
At first, Canada offered to house Saddam on Hans Island, which is little more than a rock in the North Atlantic, but it is claimed by both Canada and Denmark. However, Canada withdrew the offer yesterday, only to see Denmark offer to use the island as his prison.
Today, Saddam made it clear that he wanted no part of the island.
“I grew up in very hot country,” he said from his holding cell in an undisclosed location. “I can’t take the cold.”
U.S. President George W. Bush was non-committal. “We’ll have to see,” he said.
Anti-war mom Cindy Sheehan was livid when she heard Saddam’s declaration.
“Why would he want to come here? Does he want me to kill him for killing my son?” Sheehan shrieked. “Oh, that was Bush. Never mind.”
ACLU spokesman Lucifer Satanovich promised to monitor Club Gitmo carefully, should the U.S. accept Saddam.
“We have to treat our prisoners better than we treat our hard-working U.S. citizens, that’s for sure,” Satanovich said.
Several U.S. senators have signed up to serve as guards at Club Gitmo in the wake of Saddam’s announcement, including Barbara Boxer (D-Calif.), Dick “Turban” Durbin (D-Ill.) and Hillary Rodham Clinton (D-N.Y.).
“See,” said Limbaugh, the popular radio personality, “I told you Club Gitmo was a high-class place. Even Durbin and Hillary want to be there.”

DAY 4: LOOK OUT, SADDAM
BAGHDAD, Jan. 23, 2006 – The leader of insurgent forces in Iraq has declared a fatwa on the head of former Iraq president Saddam Hussein.
“He has defiled Islam by saying he preferred to be in a prison held by the devils of the United States,” said Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi, in a statement presented on the al-Jazeera and Daily Kos Web sites. “He must be punished.”
Saddam was sentenced to 6,485 consecutive life terms this week for the slaughter of thousands of Kurdish opponents in the 1990s.
He was originally set to be incarcerated on Hans Island in the custody of Canada, then Denmark, but indicated his preference for Club Gitmo, the U.S. facility, in interviews yesterday.
U.S. President George W. Bush remained noncommittal about his country’s intent in the matter. “We’ll have to see,” he said.
Saddam is currently being held in an undisclosed location.
ACLU spokesman Lucifer Satanovich declined comment, calling the fatwa “an internal matter” for the Islamists and Saddam to work out.

DAY 5: GITMO A NO-GO
BAGHDAD, Jan. 24, 2006 –President George W. Bush announced today that the U.S. would not accept Saddam Hussein at its Club Gitmo facility.
“It’s too nice for the Butcher of Baghdad,” Bush said at a news conference at his ranch near Crawford, Texas. “We believe that the Hans Island site is the ideal place for a man with his background.”
Saddam was sentenced to 6,485 consecutive life terms this week for the slaughter of thousands of Kurdish opponents in the 1990s. He is currently being held in an undisclosed location.
First Canada, then Denmark offered Hans Island, a rock in the North Atlantic that is the centre of a dispute between the two Western nations, as a site for Saddam’s incarceration. However, citing information he received on radio commentator Rush Limbaugh’s Web site, Saddam expressed a preference for Club Gitmo.
His lawyer, Ramsey Clark, expressed disappointment at Bush’s announcement.
“We would have rather had him in U.S. custody so we could drive Bush nuts with all kinds of frivolous lawsuits,” Clark said. “We had the ACLU ready to go in all 50 states, Puerto Rico and the District of Columbia. They would not have had a moment’s peace.”
Danish officials said they would have Saddam’s final living place prepared by the end of next week.
“He’ll have all the porn videos he can handle,” said one Danish government functionary. “We won’t have the VCR ready until December, though.”
The announcement also spelled trouble for the fatwa declared yesterday by insurgency leader Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi.
“We’ll never get anyone to go someplace that cold,” Al-Zarqawi said as he called off the fatwa, “even for 72 virgins.”
ACLU spokesman Lucifer Satanovich declined comment.

DAY 12: THE GREAT ARRIVAL
HANS ISLAND, Denmark, Jan. 31, 2006 – Saddam Hussein arrived at this rock in the North Atlantic today to begin serving his 6,485 consecutive life terms for the massacre of Kurdish opponents in the 1990s.
The former president of Iraq was greeted by a group of Canadian seals protesting his arrival on the island, over which Denmark and Canada are feuding.
“Go home, butcher!” said the seal leader, identified as Screeching Cindy.
“This will not be so horrible,” Saddam said. “They got the VCR here and there’s a ton of tapes to watch. I am tough. I will be fine.”

DAY 14: SADDAM’S COMPLAINT
HANS ISLAND, Denmark, Feb. 2, 2006 – Prisoner Saddam Hussein lodged a complaint today with his jailers, his first in three days of custody on this island in the North Atlantic.
Saddam, who is serving 6,485 consecutive life terms for the massacre of Kurdish opponents in the 1990s, said the water on the island lacks a certain taste.
“Could someone send up some whisky to purify this water?” he wrote in a message in a bottle received by a Danish icecutter about five miles away.
The Canadian government agreed to forward six bottles of fine Canadian whisky. It will be parachuted onto the island later this week.
"We believe that if it is in the best interests of his health, we should provide what he needs," said Michaelle Jean, Canada's governor-general.

DAY 20: THE END OF THE STORY?
HANS ISLAND, Denmark, Feb. 8, 2006 – Saddam Hussein is dead.
The former president of Iraq was found dead this morning by a group of Canadian seals who had wandered onto Danish territory.
He was serving 6,485 consecutive life terms for the massacre of Kurdish opponents in the 1990s.
“Eeek!” screamed Screeching Cindy, the leader of the seal group.
Saddam had received a drop of some whisky yesterday at his request, courtesy of the Canadian government.
“The world is a safer place today with Saddam Hussein no longer in it,” declared U.S. president George W. Bush.
Lucifer Satanovich of the ACLU called for a full investigation.
“This looks suspicious to me,” he said. “I intend to subpoena Karl Rove immediately to get to the bottom of this.”

DAY 21: WELL, NOT REALLY
PITTSBURGH, Pa., Feb. 9, 2006 – Saddam Hussein died of anthrax, a pathologist said tonight.
Celebrity coroner Dr. Cyril Wecht said heavy traces of anthrax were found in Hussein’s corpse.
“I don’t know how it could have gotten there,” Wecht said. “Anthrax normally doesn’t flourish in such a cold climate.”
He was serving 6,485 consecutive life terms for the massacre of Kurdish opponents in the 1990s.
Lucifer Satanovich, an ACLU spokesman, said his group would file suit demanding full access to Wecht’s report.

DAY 22: THE TRUTH COMES OUT?
SOMEWHERE HIDING IN IRAQ, Feb. 10, 2006 -- Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi, the leader of the insurgency in Iraq, today took credit for the death of Saddam Hussein.
The former president of Iraq was found dead two days ago while serving 6,485 consecutive life terms for the massacre of Kurdish opponents in the 1990s.
“We never took off the fatwa. We fooled you infidels,” Al-Zarqawi said in a statement released on his favorite Web sites, Al-Jazeera and the Daily Kos. “We got to the whisky.”
Investigators are looking for members of Canada’s Al Qaeda family, the Khadrs, for questioning. But a source in the Royal Canadian Mounted Police told the CBC that the Khadrs left the country yesterday.
“They bought one-way tickets to Paradise,” RCMP spokesman Eddie Money said.
Also, 288 virgins mysteriously disappeared from San Francisco yesterday.
“That was almost all we had,” said San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsom.
ACLU spokesman Lucifer Satanovich said he would still press to have Karl Rove, a key aide to U.S. president George W. Bush, subpoenaed concerning Saddam's sudden demise.
"This is evil enough to have emerged from his brain," Satanovich declared.