Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Conversations at Hillary HQ

"Hillary for President 2006. Can I help you?"
"I thought this was Hillary for Senate 2006."
"Oh, yeah, sorry. Can I help you?"
"No, you oughta be sayin' can I help you, 'cause I can help you."
"Who is this?"
"I can't tell you, because I'm in the Witness Protection Program. I got there by rattin' out some of my old mob buddies. I can help you with the dame who said she's gonna run against your gal for the Senate next year."
"You mean Ms. Pirro?"
"What can you tell me?"
"Her ol' man's a crook."
"We already know that. Sidney's already working on the dissemination of that information."
"Sidney? What Sidney?"
"Sidney's our dirt-spreader."
"Oh, yeah. I talked wit' some guy name a Sidney. Told me I'd be doin' my patriotic duty if I gave him the dirt on the Pirro deal."
"How much did you tell him?"
"Didn't tell him nuttin' he didn't already know. But I got more."
"Why didn't you tell him?"
"I don't trust him. He goes to the cops, I go kerplooey out of Witness Protection. Then I go into the trunk of some broke-down Caddy in Canarsie with a terminal case of bullet air-conditioning."
"Will you tell me?"
"Yeah, but you gotta keep me outta this."
"O.K. What's the scoop?"
"See, the Pirro dame -- she's the D.A., you know -- she got the scoop on everything and everybody that Billy Boy's been seein' while your gal's in Washington. And she's got the scoop on what your gal's been doin' when Billy Boy's been on his road trips pushin' his book. It ain't pretty, I can tell ya. I heard about the pictures..."
"Yeah, full-color pictures. And they ain't the kind of things you show your Grandma, I can tell ya that."
"Do you have them?"
"No, I ain't that sick."
"What do you think she'll do with them?"
"I think you better shut your trap about what Pirro's ol' man did years ago. If you don't, there's gonna be a whole lotta mud in your gal's eye."
"If you know where they are, can you tell us?"
"Not me. I ain't rattin' her out."
The conversation ended there.
Unfortunately, Hillary's presidential blonde ambitions haven't.