Friday, January 27, 2006

Hamas -- the first 100 days

(A precision guided humour assignment)

Well, thanks to Jimm-uh Carter (aka Ex-President Peanut), Hamas has won the Palestinian election.
Our crack research team has acquired a double-secret copy of Hamas' plan for its first 100 days. Be forewarned -- this does get graphic...
1. Hamas will increase the virgins available for suicide bombers from 72 to 144... a truly gross development in more ways than one.
2. Hamas will attempt to starve out the Jews in Israel by cornering the market on gefilte fish and corned beef on rye.
3. Hamas will attempt to disrupt the trial of Saddam Hussein. Unfortunately, their attempt will lead to Saddam's death in a gunfight, when he is hit by a stray Hamas bullet.
4. Hamas will attempt to acquire Saddam's WMDs from Syria.
5. Hamas will spit on the grave of Nosir Arafat. It will spit back.
6. Hamas will attempt to professionalize its bomb-making industry. Unfortunately, this will blow up in their faces several times, leaving them disfigured.
7. Hamas will infiltrate the comments section at the Daily Kos as a new recruiting tool. At least 25 new recruits will come from this, but none will stay when they eventually understand that they will not survive a suicide bombing.
8. Hamas will succeed in kidnapping a prominent Israeli leader. Unfortunately for them, their only success will come via grave-robbing.
9. Hamas will build a mansion in south Georgia in honor of Jimm-uh Carter to be used as an official ex-President's home.
10. Hamas will build an operational headquarters in an opulent stretch of the Gaza strip, with unlimited beach access, and name it the Jimm-uh Carter Center for Explosive Politics.