Friday, July 22, 2005

Return for re-grooving

Another week, another set of people who need to be Returned for Re-Grooving...
Travis Biehn. This is by request. The Canadian teen who threatened to blow up the high school he attends in southeastern Pennsylvania is headed to boot camp (see the post "Canadians in trouble, updated" below... just scroll down a touch). But young Master Biehn is fortunate that he's only 17. If he were 18, he might have been banged with some serious time, the way a Michigan teen was for threatening to blow up his high school. Boot camp, re-groove him.
Michelle Birch-Conery. From Parksville, B.C., this woman claims to have been ordained a Roman Catholic priest in ceremonies in the St. Laurence River this past weekend. Duh, Ms. Birch-Conery... women can't be ordained as priests in the Roman Catholic church. Maybe someday, but not now. And when you talk about civil rights, you forget one thing -- civil rights are granted by Caesar, not by the church. Gotta play by the rules, luv. Re-groove.
Bob Ferguson. This is a retired professor from Canada who thinks that the government should license all ministers, priests, rabbis, imams, etc. (see the post "Found: One true looney" below). To preserve the separation of church and state, he would destroy it. Sick. Sick. Sick. Re-groove. Re-groove. Re-groove.
Prentice Howarth. She's 68, a deputy mayor of Bolton, England (a town made famous in the Dead Parrot sketch), and now out of a job because a closed-circuit TV camera caught her using her ring to scratch a neighbor's car. "I have been under a great deal of personal strain recently," she moaned. Right. Let's de-stress her and re-groove her.
Pat Martin. This Canadian MP from Manitoba -- a member of Canada's national socialist party, the NDP -- has earned mention on this blog for his Carolyn Parrish moment over the Devils Lake dispute. Now, he's having a cow over being red-flagged for scrutiny at airports twice in four months. Hey, Mr. Martin, when you have Carolyn Parrish moments, this could happen. Take this bad boy out to the woodshed for a serious re-grooving.
Geoffrey Moore. This Englishman (must be something in the air over there this round) was fired from his job at a Catholic publishing house after being convicted of sexually abusing a 4-year-old girl. He's suing for unfair dismissal. Come on. Re-groove this idiot forthwith.
Willie Nelson. This is painful. I enjoy Willie Nelson's music. A lot. But to do a video with O.Jessica Simpson? That's not good. Maybe it's aftershocks from all the IRS stuff Willie went through. Maybe he just got a bad batch of mind-altering materials. Who knows? But this will, sadly, require some re-grooving. Sorry, Willie, but it's gotta be done.
Francis Raj, Timothy Woo and Johnathan Valenzuela. Quite a terrible trio, this. These clever entrepreneurs dug a tunnel from a Quonset hut in Surrey, B.C., Canada, to a house in Lynden, Wash., USA. Their product? Marijuana. Naughty, naughty boys. Get re-grooved.
Marguerite Reid. This is the Toronto bureaucrat who wouldn't let Miss Universe appear in tiara and full attire at the city's Nathan Phillips Square (which, I surmise, is a very big deal) because of some politically correct bylaw. Meanwhile, as Kate notes, some very vulgar stuff was allowed to go down during a recent Gay Pride parade. Ms. Reid, you are the north end of a southbound horse. Get re-grooved. You need it.
Jessica Simpson. Yes, O.Jessica Simpson. The same pop tart who put her marriage on reality TV. She's got a new video out of Nancy Sinatra's classic '60s hit "These Boots Were Made For Walkin'." Put it this way -- if Nancy were dead, she'd be rolling over in her grave. I think I felt a rumble from her daddy Frank's tomb, too. Worse yet, she hijacked the great Willie Nelson (see above) to appear in it. What we have here is a major re-grooving project. Start now, please.
If you have a request for regrooving, please send it to me and it may well appear on a future edition of Return for re-grooving.
Have a good weekend, everyone.